A Very Yuri Nativity – Part 1
Posted on | December 26, 2007 | 11 Comments |
As promised – had a long car journey today, so I penned the large part of this in the back seat – parental taxis are great aren’t they, even though I’m rather too old to take advantage of it these days ^_^. Enjoy!
Disclaimer – This story contains parody of fairly famous religious stories. Those of a fragile religious persuasion should be warned that further reading may cause feelings of burning hate and blasphemy towards the writer. The writer himself takes no responsibility for aforementioned rage and insanity
A Very Yuri Nativity
Key:
INT – inside
EXT – outside
(sotto) – whispered
VO – Voice only
Cast
Daidouji TOMOYO as Joseph
Kinomoto SAKURA as Mary
Viola SHIZURU as The Messiah
Suzumiya HARUHI as Oharuhi sama
Asahina MIKURU as Angel Gabriel
Nanto YAYA as Shepherdess #1
Okuwaka TSUBOMI as Shepherdess #2
Konohana HIKARI as Shepherdess #3
Ootori AMANE as Amane-sheep
Hanazono SHIZUMA as The innkeeper
Aoi NAGISA as The Innkeeper’s little bit
Takamachi NANOHA as King Herod
Konoe KONOKA as Wise (wo)man #1
Sakurazaki SETSUNA as Wise (wo)man #2
EVANGELINE A K MacDowell as Wise (wo)man #3
INT Carpenter’s Shop, somewhere in Japan DAY. Various half finished wooden objects are scattered about. TOMOYO is working hard at the lathe. She pauses for a second and SAKURA hands her a damp cloth with which she wipes her brow. They smile lovingly at each other.
NARRATOR: Our story begins far away in the land of Japan; in the shop of this humble carpenter Daidouji Tomoyo and her betrothed, Sakura. Tomoyo was very skilled with the lathe and customers travelled from far and wide to sample her furniture and trinkets…
TOMOYO: (looking up) Actually, I don’t make furniture any more, Narrator-san…
N: Really? But I thought…carpenter and all…What do you make then?
T: Well, I was making a chair leg one day and suddenly I thought – You know? This looks remarkably like a…
SAKURA coughs
T: So I thought, if I just fit this here and a few knobs and cams here…
She blows sawdust off a CERTAIN WOODEN OBJECT. She turns the handle. It wiggles. SAKURA blushes. TOMOYO smiles innocently.
N: Ahem. As I was saying…Tomoyo was betrothed to be married to Sakura, her beloved. But one night while she was washing her lingerie…
INT Washroom EVE. SAKURA is scrubbing some PRISTINE WHITE PANTIES on an old fashioned washboard
N: Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared in her blazing glory and Sakura was terrified.
MIKURU appears in a flash of light, complete with wire wings and crooked halo. She briefly adjusts her halo and clears her throat.
MIKURU: Do not be afraid for I bring good news. Your yuri deeds have brought you great favour with Oharuhi sama.
S: (kneeling) I am but an instrument of the will of Oharuhi sama.
M: Arise young Sakura. You have been chosen to bear a child and you shall name her Shizuru. She will bear the word of Yuri to all people and all with rejoice in her name.
S: (Confused) But how can this be for I am a lesbian and am to be married to another woman?
MIKURU’S halo slips and she pushes it back up and blushes
M: T-the holy spirit of Oharuhi sama will come upon your wife, a-and then…this…this and that..like…birds and bees…
MIKURU dissolves into mumbles and doesn’t notice the sinister Figure approaching behind her until HARUHI glomps her and resumes her perpetual molestation of her love pillows.
HARUHI: What’s taking you so long, Mikuru-chan? (She leans close to Mikuru’s ear and breathes softly. MIKURU flinches) (sotto) You know what happens to naughty angels, don’t you Mikuru?
MIKURU suddenly looks terrified.
M: I-I was just telling her that…how…she was going to…err…you know…without any…
H: Oh, that! (She lets go of Mikuru who collapses, exhausted). I just wave my hand and and our wife grows an enormous *mmphll mphh mmph*
HARUHI removes MIKURU’s hand from her mouth
H: Mikuru chan, what are you doing? This is important for her to know!
M: (Blushing) But to say it so bluntly is so embarassing!
HARUHI’s eyes glint evilly
H: Mi-ku-ru-cha~~~n…
HARUHI pounces on MIKURU and they both disappear in a puff of celestial smoke
M: (VO) Iyaaaaaaaa~~~!
S: (shakes her head) I wonder what they were trying to tell me?
N: But as Sakura-chan finished washing her tiny white unmentionables, she found herself in for a shock…
SAKURA wipes her brow and turns to find an AMOROUS TOMOYO seductively leaning against the doorframe wearing a seethrough nightgown.
T: Are you coming to bed, Sakura-chan? I have a surprise for you…
S: I’m just coming, Tomoyo-chan…(her eyes travel down Tomoyo’s body) Oh Haruhi-sama what is…
TOMOYO is already in a running glomp towards her
T: Sakura-chan~~!
S: IYAAAAA!!!
INT bedroom NIGHT. TOMOYO is “smoking” a candy cigarette. SAKURA is curled up in the foetal position beside her shivering and talking in her sleep.
NARRATOR: And it was on that fateful night that the Child was conceived.
SAKURA (still sleeping): No!…Tomoyo-chan…not so..zzzz…not so hard…Not there! No…won’t…fit…zzzz
TOMOYO grins
N: (sweatdrops) Let’s hope that Tomoyo didn’t do any permanent damage…
End Part 1
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11 Responses to “A Very Yuri Nativity – Part 1”
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December 26th, 2007 @ 7:52 pm
OMG! XD This is sooooo lol :D Want part 2 as soon as possible >_
December 27th, 2007 @ 12:48 am
LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ
OMG, this is so great. We need Mikuru to punished more somehow…
TOMOYO IS A DILDO BUIDER?!?!? Whenever there was a part mentioning Tomoyo, i though about Tomoyo from Clannad instead of CCS…
PLEASE CONTINUE!!!!!!!!
December 27th, 2007 @ 4:44 am
*cackles*
Way to go!
^__^
*waits eagerly for part two*
December 27th, 2007 @ 5:39 am
That was awesome can’t wait for Part 2.
“T: Well, I was making a chair leg one day and suddenly I thought – You know? This looks remarkably like a…
SAKURA coughs
T: So I thought, if I just fit this here and a few knobs and cams here…”
That was great.
Later
YuribouFan
December 27th, 2007 @ 5:43 am
Haha, that was so awesome! Hilarious! I can’t wait to read the next part!
December 27th, 2007 @ 5:41 pm
Call me blind or whatever. But how did Sakura actually got pregnant? o.o
December 27th, 2007 @ 10:50 pm
Let me put it this way – if you can’t tell from the script, you really, really don’t want to know ^_^;;;
December 28th, 2007 @ 3:30 am
well, its not that i cant tell. i was hoping that it isnt so ….
December 28th, 2007 @ 3:53 am
Yeah Sakura got pregnant exactly how you are thinking it is what you don’t want it to be or do you lol. ^_^
January 3rd, 2008 @ 6:38 am
Awesome as always. Finally got back to the site only to find the good olde stuff here. Much loev
February 2nd, 2008 @ 10:15 am
Nice!