Well, we’re well into summer here in the UK – it’s the tradition here to have an uncharacteristically warm spell in June, which gets all the nice hours of sunshine out of the way to make way for business as usual during July and August (if the recent years are anything to go by…)

And what could be the better highlight of summer than the obligatory beach episode? The (freezing cold) sea! The sand that gets everywhere for days afterwards! The sun that goes behind a cloud the moment you’ve changed into your swimsuit! The really sharp things that cut your feet after you’ve finally gotten used to the freezing cold water! Ahh…the joys of the beach trip.

Of course, things are different in animeland. There, the clouds never cover up the sun and the sand virtually never gets everywhere you wouldn’t want it to go (except for comic effect, of course…So on request this week, I’ve decided to do a post about swimsuits!

So what is it particularly about swimsuits that gets mens (and presumably some women’s) hearts ablaze with moe power? Here are a few suggestions…

1. There is a significant increase in skin exposure
   What better excuse to see women in their underwear and not be slapped? It is fairly amusing that (anime) girls will fly into a pervert induced fist flying fury when they get walked in on in their underwear but will happily run around on the beach in – what are effectively bra and panties. I guess in the former they are unexpectedly being seen in their skimpies, whereas in the latter they spend hours and hours picking out even skimpier skimpies so that men will look at them. Boggling.
2. The skin tightness exposes the curves in all the right places (as opposed to reality, where 80% of the time it exposes the fat in all the wrong places)
   Let’s face it, all anime girls are artificially built like Barbie dolls, so what better way to show off that figure than with a wet T-shirt competiti—ahem, with running down the beach in your skin hugging one-piece. Oh, and for the benefit of those of the fairer sex who are a little too roly poly for a bikini – please please don’t wear a bikini. You’re putting that family over there off their lunch…
3. Increased bounce from lack of bra
   Well, refer back to point 1 – since bikini tops are effectively brassieres but without the useful added support (or as love and I like to call it – Advanced Japanese Technology), running down the beach in a bikini is effectively like watching Queen’s Blade (where presumably the bra hasn’t been invented yet…or fighting strengthens the pectorals sufficiently that they aren’t needed…) See also point 5
4. It’s like seeing girls in underwear, but outdoors
   Again with the underwear…we get it – men like seeing girls in skimpy clothing.
5. Nipples
   This is a pretty Marmite point (no, not Marimite point – I can’t really picture Sachiko in a bikini), since I’m not really into the whole “suggestive nipple outline” thing, but I assume the creators of the artificial erect nipple prosthetics are. Personally, I think waterproof bandaids over nipples are far more sexy. And they avoid chafing. Bonus.

I must stress at this point that there doesn’t seem to be anything sexy at all about men’s swimwear – I suppose girls who get their kicks from seeing mens’ packages in Speedos are in there, but the Bermuda shorts favoured by those of us whose brains are above our waists are not exactly the babe magnets that we’d hope them to be.

But there are so many choices when it comes to girls’ swimsuits… Here are a few of the regular human styles – and a few of the more exotic (and gravity defying) styles that anime has brought us:

1. One piece
   
   Ahh, the poor one piece – least sexy and most conservative of all swimwear. Best used in order to accentuate a girl’s shy character (see also School swimsuit) or her “normal-ness” e.g. the main love interest in a harem/H-game anime. The one advantage of this design is that it pulls the midriff flab in slightly and avoids “overspillage” over the waistline. Not that that’s a problem in anime.
2. Tankini
   
   The favoured swimwear of the flat chested and the sporty (read: flat chested), the Tankini is a tank top on top of bikini bottoms. The main reason that better endowed women don’t wear it is that with larger breasts it somehow ceases to be swimwear and just looks like everyday wear. Hmm. Maybe this is because flat-chested girls don’t wear tank tops since it accentuates their flat-chestedness. At least on the beach you can look kind of sporty and cool, as opposed to not ever being able to fill out an AA cup bikini top. There there.
3. Bikini
   
   The mainstay of the beachwear community, I think we can thank America for bringing underwear to beaches worldwide. Bikinis come in many shapes and sizes – tops can be double strapped or halterneck and bottoms can be strung or held together with more chunky straps. Girls will spend hours and hours picking out a suitable bikini, since this is critically important to show off their fashion sense to men. Men will then completely ignore the design and look for the cleavage and cameltoes instead. Here’s a plain bikini to get us started…
4. String bikini
   
   The same as above, but the panels are held together with string (or ribbon). Somehow, the addition of string makes the whole ensemble more than 4.5 times more sexy. The reason for this is multiple. First of all, the hips are exposed more which everyone knows is one of a girl’s best selling points. And secondly, there is the suggestion that the whole thing could come off with a simple pull of a string. Remember girls – you learned to tie Granny knots in Brownies for a reason!
5. Impossible string bikini
   
   And now the exclusive anime versions – The impossible string bikini consists of small (read: postage stamp sized) triangles of fabric (not always triangles, sometimes they are stars, sometimes seashells) held together by impossibly narrow strings. Inevitably, these are worn by enormous breasted women such as the ones currently showcased in Queen’s Blade. On first impression it may seem that these bikinis defy gravity by never slipping from their position atop the nipples, but this is not so. In fact, these are the evolution of the burlesque pastie – the back of the panels adheres to the nipples with a waterproof adhesive therefore supporting the breast and preserving a girl’s pride at the same time. Removal of the bikini, however is a far more tricky task…
6. Neck sash style bikini
   Another style favoured by large breasted girls, this consists of a strip of fabric that wraps around the neck, over both breasts and converges to go under the crotch and connect back up at the neck at the back. Needless to say, the physics keeping a vertically held sash over nipples on an unsupported breast are more mind boggling than the impossible string bikini. However, the swimsuit manufacturers have another trick up their sleeve. Cunningly hidden within the sashes are very small suction cups which attach to the user’s nipples, keeping the garment in place while running. They also serve the purpose of being mildly pleasurable to wear and are easier to remove than the adhesive. Clever, huh?
7. Sling bikini (also impossible)
   
   Famously worn by that teacher I can’t remember the name of at the moment from Mahoromatic, the just string bikini is an evolution of the Neck sash style, but with just very narrow string instead of the sash. The string widens silghtly in order to cover the nipples and vagina, but only very slightly. On first impression, this might seem to be the most impossible bikini in existance, but in fact the string is secretly wound round…nah I can’t even explain this one. Very silly indeed.
8. Band bikini (or underboob bikini)
   
   Band bikinis are bikinis that have tops that are basically a narrow boob tube (read: strip of material encircling the breasts), held up by sheer elastic power. The main function of the band bikini is to accentuate the underboob, which, as anyone who has watched Saki knows, is the Holy Grail of big breasts. Forget cleavage – everyone has that. All big breasts deserve underboob. Hmm…that could be a new musical mnemonic.
9. School swimsuit
   
   And finally we come to the very reason for the post – the best of the best – the School swimsuit. Unlike the UK, which has a variety of school issue swimsuits (or even none at all at some schools), Japan seems to have adopted a single design for its school swimsuits – dark blue onepieces with an optional white namelabel (I think these don’t really get used past elementary level in reality). The cunning thing about the school swimsuit design is that there is a gap in the material between the upper part of the onepiece and the lower – around the level of the pantyline. While the actual use of this gap remains a mystery (to me), it certainly allows for easier access for the more perverted of the female schoolgirl crowd. One might even think that it was designed specially for the purpose…perish the thought.

Add to:

No, not “I love you”, that would be so corny.

It’s Saki’s favourite phrase – “Issho ni ikou?” or roughly translated “Shall we go together?” said with an innocence that should be illegal in some parts of the world (or at least something you would pay good money for.)

So in this post, I’ll be analysing all the Nodoka/Saki moments, especially the instances in which Saki says “Issho ni ikou” and Nodoka’s evolving reactions, from anger to surprise, through embarrassment and finally to (pre-coital) happiness.

Scene analysis

Episode 1 – First meeting

Saki: My Lord! I am thankful that I wasn’t lumbered with breasts that big! I can’t imagine what that does to her back – let alone what her bras must cost her!
Nodoka: Hmm, I don’t think this school was thinking of someone of my “credentials” when they designed these shirts…

Episode 1 – Rain Hug

Nodoka: Running…hurts…breasts…
Saki: Now I know what they’re for – crash protection!

Episode 2 – Conversation after school

Saki: Haramura-san, I’ve got to know – where on earth do you buy your bras?
Nodoka: I’m not going to tell you – Because you don’t even like mahjong!

Episode 3 – Argument

Saki: It’s fun to play mahjong with you, Haramura san!
Nodoka: If you continue to stare at my breasts instead of playing properly, then I suggest you quit the mahjong club!

Episode 3 – Revelation

Saki: Haramura-san, let’s go together!
Nodoka: But but but but but…my heart isn’t ready yet! We’ve only just had a tearful reconciliation over the fact that we both want to do our best, so having sex straight after that would be wild and unbridled passionate lovemaking that would make the couple in the neighbouring love-hotel room heart-wrenchingly jealous!
Saki: Erm…I meant…y’know, to the Nationals? But now you mention it…

Episode 4 – Memories of the night before

Flashback Saki: Let’s go to the nationals together!
Nodoka: That’s what she said to me before she showed me so many things that she could do with this one finger that it kept me up all night. Yep, I never knew someone could be so skilled at playing the piano badly using only her little finger.

Episode 4 – The awkward morning after

Saki: I really enjoyed last night! Let’s go together again!
Nodoka: Well of course you enjoyed it, you were the one holding the whip…

Episode 5 – Waterfall

Saki: Don’t be afraid of getting your yukata wet, Haramura-san – it’ll be just like episode 1 all over again!
Nodoka: Wow, to think since that episode we’ve had hot unbridled passionate lesbian sex at least three times. It’s so nostalgic…
Saki: Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have mentioned that out loud…

Episode 6 – Good luck! Nodocchi!

Saki: It’s your turn Haramura-san! If you knock one of the players out so I don’t have to play, then there’ll be an “internet surprise” waiting inside Etopen for when you get home!
Nodoka: Yeah! I’m not so sure I want to win now… 

Episode 8 – Ramen

Saki: You haven’t had ramen before, Haramura-san?
Nodoka: I have!
Saki: There’s more to it than just eating it, you know! My sister taught me so many ways…It’s so hot and slippery it feels really good!
Nodoka: …please just stop talking right now.

Episode 8 – Night revelations

Saki: Did you read that in “Night on the Galactic Railroad”?
Nodoka: Yeah! Have you read it too?
Saki: Actually, I borrowed it from your desk a couple of weeks ago! After I finish reading it at night, it’s really useful for other things too!
Nodoka: Please don’t use my library books like that…

Episode 8 – Night time promise

Nodoka: So you promise never to use my library books as a masturbatory aid again?
Saki: I’ will make sure that they are securely waterproofed/sealed in a ziplock bag or other suitable enclosure before I indulge!
Nodoka: …Ah well, that’s good enough

Episode 10 – Together alone – and in a public place at last

Saki: Why do you fold your socks and skirt so neatly, Haramura-san?
Nodoka: Because if you violate me in here like you usually do, then they’re going to get wrinkled…
Saki: I see…but it’s a public place, so I was just going to sleep.
Nodoka: (is somehow silently disappointed)

Episode 10 – An awkward time

Saki: I’ve been meaning to ask, Haramura-san, but have you ever had cosmetic surgery?
Nodoka: Shit! Is it really that obvious??
AUDIENCE: YES. YES IT IS.

Episode 11 – Reconciliation

Saki: You know, I don’t care if you’ve had cosmetic surgery in the past, Haramura-san, I love your breasts and every other part of you that I violate just the way they are.
Nodoka: I think I might just love you, Miyanaga-san.
Saki: So let’s make passionate love on the mahjong table in the game room after my round, OK?
Nodoka: I’ll look forward to it!

Episode 12 – Grope

Nodoka: *grope grope*

Summary

I will try to translate more Saki yuri doujinshi in the future. That is all.

Add to:

In my humble loser yuri fanboy opinion, Saki has one of the best yuri potentials of the current spring season (with the obvious exception of Queen’s Blade, which doesn’t seem to have any straight characters at all.) The relationships are a heady mix of subtext, implied and fanimagined which make for interesting watching and reading bucketloads of lesbian secks into.

So in this post I’ll be analysing all the relationships in Saki according to my yuri ratings scale. Next post I’ll be focussing on the main canon pairing of the series – Miyanaga Saki x Haramura Nodoka.

So let’s start as we mean to go on:

Saki x Nodoka

Type: Implied/Subtext
Additional features: Asymmetrical docking

The main subtext pairing of the series is an amusing one – If we look at the characters individually, we see Nodoka is a Quiet Ojou type who is a bit of a loner but has humongous breasts (which she apparently acquired in the last year), whereas Saki is more of a Normal type with extraordinary skills (and a flat chest). They’re both fairly taciturn, which makes for a rather cute pairing, as they both get embarrassed by each other (though Nodoka more), especially because Saki is quite the touchy feely kind of girl (and loves to say “Let’s go together” which in any other culture would be an invitation for an all night make up and thigh busting session).

Although at first Nodoka is rather blunt towards Saki because of her appearing fickle towards her beloved mahjong, this rapidly turns into admiration to her sheer ability (read: luck) and later on, something resembling “more-than-friendship”. The only thing throwing a spanner in the works as far as this relationship is concerned is Nodoka’s inexperience with human relationships. This makes it difficult to think about whether to take her embarassment at being close to Saki as liking her or as not being used to be so close to another human being.

Nevertheless, they remain the cute couple of the series and never an episode passes by without Saki saying “Let’s go together” and Nodoka blushing accordingly. And we all know Saki’s secretly a cat ‘o nine tails wielding seme (top) behind closed doors…

Yuuki x Nodoka

Type: Fan only
Additional features: Asymmetrical docking, Loli-yuri, Lol-fang

Yuuki is the character that looks a great deal like Sakura Kinomoto from Card Captor Sakura. However, her Taco-obsessed, Lol-fang tan personality has nothing in common and I was stupid to even make that comparison (but they damn well look the same). Yuuki’s known Nodoka for a couple of years since middle school, so it makes senes that the time she graduated from long skirts to her cat-belted minis she also graduated from her teenage angst ridden peer-pressure to sleep with men and was awakened to the lily-tinted side of rampant girl school lesbianism. And I’m sure Nodoka, inexperienced in the ways of girl-girl friendship would have been all too happy to oblige.

Ahh, the wonderful world of reading yuri into every healthy female relationship.

Seriously though, this wouldn’t happen – we all know Yuuki’s miles into Kyoutaro so she’s joined the dark side already. Although she’ll happily do some asymmetrical docking with Nodoka’s twin safety airbags once in a while.

Everyone at Kazekoshi x Mihoko (permanent wink girl)

Type: Sempai admiration
Additional features: Group orgy, Nekomimi, Debusen (fat girl)

It’s a pretty common scenario – the quiet Ojou type sempai gets doted on by all her underclassmen – especially the one who seems to be able to grow cat ears on request…or whenever anyone pets her on the head. This one’s made cuter by the fact that Mihoko has the personality traits of being outwardly kind and inwardly ruthless…oh and her ability to tie herself up in shibari with computer cables is not to be challenged. Oh, did we mention that she has heterochromia? that is teh sexay. Just ask Marilyn Manson.

Mohoko x Hisa

Type: Fan only
Additional features: Rivals, twintails

It’s that old chestnut -  “old enemies and long time rivals make good couples”. Completely untrue, of course. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I compete with someone it doesn’t make me want to have sex with them…unless I’m competing with them in bed. Well, that’s a different matter. Anyway – the awesome heterochromia-fuelled Mihoko being secret long-term rivals with the occasionally twintailed, secretly awesome sempai type Takei Hisa? I wouldn’t be surprised if after their match they slipped away somewhere for some long catch-up sex. Well, actually I would be surprised, but I would pretend not to be for the sake of appearances.

| This poster should be illegal…heheh

Everyone x Koromo

Type: Gang rape
Additional features: Usa-mimi, loli

Well, how could anyone resist? She’s just so darned cute and Tsundere-y you just want to smother her with your enormous breast pillows while she yells obscenities at you and everyone else joined in the fun of teaching her the ways of the tongue and double dildo. And the bunny ears make it look like her long term goal is not to become world mahjong champion but to grow up big and curvy and get a key to the Playboy mansion. You’ve got to admire that.

It’s characters like her that breed lolicon perverts, you know…

Mako’s voice rapes everyone up the ass

I really hate Mako’s accent.

Nuff said.

Add to:

Here are the details from Canned Dogs:

• Words such as “training” or “slave”, among others, are not allowed in the title or packaging
• HCG involving sexual violation cannot exceed 20% of a game’s total HCG count (ie: can’t try to build this up by having lots of everyday life CG events)
• Even if it’s below 20%, anything that is promoting a criminal offense is not allowed
• Anything that promotes rape, confinement, stalking, domestic violence, and portrays it in a way that the offender gains something out of it is not allowed
• New games that have already passed the review process by the EOCS are considered “safe” from this
• Regulations stated in the fax are completely different from what was being discussed in the emergency meeting yesterday

“The emergency EOCS meeting involving almost 100 representatives from various eroge companies has just ended, and the final conclusion is that rape games are now banned.

According to the writer, there were surprisingly little objections to this, but rather there was an atmosphere among those who were present where many felt that there was probably no other way to solve this problem. Though due to the nature of the meeting they did not actually take a vote.”

| Love…

I’m sure this came as rather a shock to the doujinshi market. There were hints at a ban a month or so before, but reporting was in a kind of “Will they, won’t they” without any real evidence to either side. Many doujinsoft companies are now left with titles in development which are completely no-go (and I think several will be releasing them anyway – and who could blame them).

There are a few issues that arise from this:

1. How will this legislation shape the doujin market to come – Will the banning of rape and violation in ero-games mean that themes will become more vanilla in years to come?
2. Is this just the start? Is the banning of rape themes just a lead in to banning other controversial themes such as lolicon and incest?
3. Is this the start of the government finally pulling their socks up and restricting the doujinshi market – before free to do as they pleased?

I’m sure people will correct me (and I welcome it), but I think that this is the first decisive piece of legislation that Japan has put on the doujinshi market. They have been umming and erring about the issue of lolicon for a long time (much to the chagrin of the international community), they have temporarily banned certain conventions (notably ABnormal – a futanari and alternative themed comic market) but nothing long lasting.

Perhaps it was just a matter of time – Not wanting to draw on stereotypes, but I think that many countries (and people) associate Japan with unbridled depravity in their pornography, with animated themes of guro, tentacle rape and young girl porn – themes in real life that would be banned in an instant. Although I have no evidence for this, I’m sure that people have been lobbying for years to regulate the doujinshi market so that they would look at least that they were keeping a handle on things rather than just leaving them to rampage out of their control.

So why not sooner? I went through a lot of these issues in my various fetish month posts, but it all boils down to separating fantasies and reality. Since the material is animated or drawn, the themes depicted are detached from reality. The argument was that this fact made them less subversive since the acts weren’t being actually committed in real life. There is also the issue of stamping out free speech. I’ve always admired the doujinshi market as a notable expression of fan love and effort that over many years has swelled to gigantic proportions (enough to take over an entire area of Tokyo) and brings in a huge amount of cash. I’m sure that there’s nowhere else in the world that young men get so passionate about their pornography…

| …or rape? You (don’t get to) decide!

Future of doujinshi

It will be interesting to see how this will play itself out. Apparently the EOCS have decided that this legislation will be put into place slowly, but it will be obvious that it is not just going to affect ero-game manufacturers but also the artists of paper doujinshi and hentai content as a whole.

If this new regulation sticks, then it will not be long before it spreads to the other media such as downloadable doujinshi, Comic Markets and hentai movies. The overall theme of the changes seems to be “removal of content that depicts illegal activities”, so it’s altogether difficult to picture the state of the doujinshi market even at the end of the year.

Rape themes make up the bulk of doujinshi (I’ve already discussed why the Japanese seem to be obsessed with rape) and the other main themes are also no-go (such as lolicon and incest). Since Comic Market – the main medium for distribution of new doujinshi, games and other fan-made material is unlikely to go against the regulations for fear of being shut down, will we really have an (empty) Winter Comiket composed entirely of pure love doujinshi?

The answer – no one knows. The restrictions themselves seem to be hidden and horribly vague at the moment, but although they went through the ero-game manufacturers, you would imagine that the large doujinshi distribution companies would put up a fight to protect their income.

I would predict that there are two ways in which this could play out by the end of the year

1. EITHER: With all doujin material restricted not to contain rape themes, and a view to banning more illegal themes such as lolicon in the future
2. OR: With companies such as Toranoana and DLsite still fighting to keep legislation away from digital and paper doujinshi but restrictions slowly coming into force for ero-games

But it’s pretty unpredictable. This has been coming for a long time, so it’s unlikely that the regulations will be reconsidered. Perhaps this will lead to a slow evolution in the doujinshi mindset away from rape themes and towards more “healthy” fantasies such as “love”, “relationships” and “tentacle porn”. Somehow, I doubt it.

And anyway, if you want to rape someone, but are being stopped by that darn legal system, why not try hypnotism?

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| What Setsuna does on her days off…the dirty girl.

In case you’ve had your head in the sand the last few days, Enigma just released the scanlation for Negima chapter 252, and this happened:

I know – SQUEEfest, right?

It’s pretty fair to say that Konoka x Setsuna (or KonoSetsu) is one of the most popular Negima pairings, and fans have been waiting for this moment for pretty much since the Kyoto arc (was that volume 4 or something? it was so long ago I can’t remember) and apart from a brief clinch being caught mid-pactio in chapter 169, things have been all quiet on the Eastern front, so to speak.

So lets overanalyse the situation as usual:

The couple

• Konoka Konoe 
  Major – Strong Willed/Ojou
  Minor – Relationship driven./clingy, Ditzy, Sensible/Voice of reason
  Accessory – Mahou shoujo, Osananajimi, Regional accent

Konoka is the daughter of the head mage of the Kansai region, Eishun, and as such has great magical potential. However, since she was not cultivated from a young age, she isn’t aware of her powers at the beginning of Negima. For a long time in childhood, the only friend she had was Setsuna, her bodyguard and as such she cares for her deeply – though it is difficult to see where the sisterly love ends and the romantic love begins.

Konoka is not a character that Akamatsu has played with prior to Negima, and is difficult to summarise based on his previous work. On the surface, she’s vapid and perhaps a little too easygoing. However, this exterior hides a girl who is fiercely caring about her friends (especially Setsuna) and not afraid to express her feelings. She takes a bit from Mutsumi (Love Hina), but without the motherly airs. In other words, she’s the emotional strength to Setsuna’s physical. Interestingly, she is rarely shown using her powers, which emphasises that these are not her real strength. Her real powers are keeping spirits up and not getting tied up in knots about feelings the way Setsuna does – instead acting decisively and without regret.

• Setsuna Sakurazaki
  Major – Quiet (taciturn)
  Minor – Fighter (kendo), Yuri, Unexpectedly embarrassable, Submissive
  Accessory – Uncanny ability (swordsmanship), Mythical creature

Setsuna is a lot easier to summarise, as she is almost exactly the same as Motoko (Love Hina) in that she is a Kendo girl with great strength who is unexpectedly embarassable in the right situations and holds a quiet devotion to the woman she loves. She guarded Konoka with her life from a young age, but began to distance herself from her so that Konoka could live what she considered a normal life. Konoka thought this was rubbish, of course.

Setsuna has held a torch for Konoka since day 1, and though it must have been painful for her to distance herself the way she did, she had been lying to herself that her love was unnatural (since she was a mere servant, and a half-demon at that, never mind of the same gender) and the best place that she could be would be watching her beloved from the shadows and protecting her without her knowledge. The sudden reconciliation during the Kyoto arc sent her reeling in many ways, since she realised that her previous values were far off what Konoka herself wanted. Suddenly, she found herself thrust right back into close proximity to her beloved again with the prospect of romantic love very much back on the cards.

The fact that Konoka often holds hands with Setsuna, compliments her unnecessarily or pecks her on the cheek were intentionally difficult to take in a romantic context. Since Konoka was portrayed as the kind of girl who would do that to a dear friend in the first place (combined with the fact that she loves teasing Setsuna), its not surprising that the fanfiction community took things back into their own hands.

The Kiss

So what of the actual kiss scene? The one we have been waiting 200+ chapters to see?

Well, it was a whole lot more squee than I expected (this month has been filled with squee it seems, though Girlfriends seems to be backpedalling fast O_o). The chapter itself was pretty pedestrian (apart from TEH BIG REVELASHUN) – with Setsuna internally musing about whether her new found closeness with her beloved Konoka was affecting her fighting ability and more importantly, her ability to protect her ojousama. In fact, she’s probably been musing about this since Eva laid the beat down on her probably about 10 volumes ago.

And then, completely out of left field, PACTIO!

Not to mention the lingering lips and the little moan of parting (and Setsuna not realising that when French kissing you can breathe through your nose). This really put this apart from the other pactio scenes that we’d already seen with Negi (which were purely functional.

I think what Akamatsu sensei was trying to convey with the little details on this scene is that Konoka does have feelings for Setsuna in a romantic sense. With just a little bit of suggestion in those few panels, he has turned the relationship from borderline subtext into overt yuri. With a deep kiss like that there cannot be any doubt in any readers hearts that Konoka wishes for nothing more than to see her beloved Setsuna ballgagged and strapped naked to a cross with her in a day-glo purple catsuit and matching whip. Cause we all know who wears the trousers in their relationship…

So yay! Let’s hope that Konoka and Setsuna isn’t going to drift into obscurity again after this key event and that Akamatsu sensei can write some more fun and suggestive storylines for them in the future.

Oh and commiserations to the Negi/Asunas fans. Sucks to be you, eh?

Add to:

| This is a public service announcement – When your dress is brave, make sure to shave.

Hi all,

Once again apologies for going awol – I was finishing off my course with a spot of shadowing – that means following people around, making a nuisance of myself and stabbing people to suck their blood. All good. Well, results of my exams on tuesday, but still…

So, a few of you might be wondering what exactly Brazil’s most important contribution to the world was. Well, let’s look at some of Brazil’s most important exports

1. Brazil Nuts – Possibly the highest Effort to taste ratio of any food including coconuts

2. Ronaldo – Well, I could give a hoot about football…but I won’t.

3. Beef farmed at the expense of the Amazon rainforest – I’m sure the cows appreciate it…

4.  Cachaca – Is obviously awesome – I think we’re getting closer…

5. BRAZILIAN WAXING

Oh yes. This week’s post will be a discourse on hirsutism and the lack thereof, both in and out of hentai animation.

Introduction

For those of you not in the know about waxing techniques, the Brazilian is a waxing technique where all the pubic hair on the pubis, buttocks and perineum is removed, sometimes leaving a small trail on the pubic mound. (Read: front, back and crack). Similar effects can be gained by shaving or epilating pubic hair, but I’m sure you all know that ^^

The place of bodily hair in pornography has waned over the years. There has never been a huge place for women with hairy armpits or legs, for example (thought I’m sure there are fetish videos to that effect somewhere). Pubic hair was generally left to grow wild in the era of classic pornography, with the pornstars of the era generally resembling your friend’s mum, with an unruly bush that could strangle a hippo.

However, with the rise in popularity of smaller and smaller bathing suits and the appearance of the bikini, more radical hair removal techniques were adopted to the present day, where seeing any pubic hair in porn at all is unusual. Even the male pornstars have followed suit, both with their pubic and body hair. It’s pretty safe to say that the tall, muscular and glabrous male is ‘in’, at least in terms of the adult entertainment industry.

In the world of hentai things are pretty much the same – it’s quite rare for girls to have pubic hair drawn on them (though this too was much more frequent in the hentai of old) and even rarer for the men to have any pubes at all. (Interestingly though, Japanese real-life pornography seems the opposite with unkempt being more the norm.[citation needed])

| You know I trawl to find pictures that are even vaguely worksafe for this blog…

Why the change?

So why has this happened? Let’s first start with the Western angle. As I said before, hair was first trimmed to keep with the fashions of wearing ever more abbreviated underwear and swimwear in order to not have the dreaded Visible Bikini Line. However, this doesn’t explain the progression to the complete removal that we see more commonly these days.

I propose that there are two mechanisms at work here.

1. Having less pubic hair (for both the male and female parts) means that close ups of penetration are cleaner and less obscured.

Perhaps in the 70s and 80s it wasn’t considered tasteful (for what taste is worth) to do too many closeups and much of the shots were done from a distance. However, with the mostly male crowds clamouring for more explicit penetration shots, it’s become more important that this picture isn’t ruined by the pornstars’ short and curlies.

2. The idea of youth

Especially with the focus of popularity on younger women in men’s magazines such as FHM and Maxim, it seems that large amounts of pubic hair have become associated with aging (and not being so bothered to keep it neat) therefore making pornstars who keep their pubes long seem older and therefore less desirable.

For the male side of things, there is also the added bonus that less pubic hair makes the male member seem larger (and we all know that size matters…in terms of your paycheck)

And what about Hentai?

Well, it doesn’t take a genius to make the first point that:

Japanese people are less hairy

I would expect that some time in the past, there was a mild sexual selection for lack of body, arm and leg hair, which manifests that many Japanese girls lack the problems of their Western counterparts: namely, horribly expensive Gillette razors. Even the men are generally less hairy with a definite reduction in body hair.

But why the trend in hentai for the Brazilian?

Could it possibly be a mimicking of Western culture – since we see a similar trend of reducing pubic hair as we move from old hentai of the 80s to today’s? Possibly.

Could there also be an element of making closeups of penetration more clean and less obscured as with Western pornography? Very possibly.

Could an additional element be the rise in popularity of moe-loli and the symbolism of youth in hentai as well? Probably (though this doesn’t fully explain the Brazilian waxed older onee-sans and shotacons.)

The truth, probably a combination of all three.

Though the real truth is that I’m probably overanalysing. It’s entirely true that pubic hair, as with swimsuits, shoes and lingerie is a victim of fashion, and the current fashion in both the West and Japan is “less is sexy”, therefore the adult industry follows suit and most of my other advantages are extra-numerary.

I mean, which would you choose if you had the choice – the tousled briars of Sakamoto Mio or the Ritsu’s shaven haven?

Well, obviously Mio’s…though the choice would be different if there was a ball gag and a paper bag handy of course.

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Now as someone who has read my Twitter will know – the webpage for the Nanoha movie has recently been launched! Now for those of you grumbling that StrikerS was a pile of old codswallop, let me tell you this – it’s the original loli-riffic models ^^. The premise is that the story is set between A’s and StrikerS, I think. But anyway, if anything this will certainly cure the “Too many characters, not enough action” syndrome that they ended up with with StrikerS. And can someone please put Erio down? For his own good?

But that started me reminiscing over the good old days of mahou shoujo or Magical Girl anime. Magical Girl series were pretty popular back in the olden days of cel shading – the ldest was probably (the many faces of) Cutie Honey but noone could dispute that the most classic and long running was Sailor Moon in 1992 (now probably surpassed by Pretty Cure). But in fact, virtually every studio was churning out some kind of schoolgirl based mayhem. CLAMP got their rocks off with Rayearth and later (and more successfully) Card Captor Sakura, only for it to be butchered at the hands of 4kids. And I’m sure everyone remembers such runaway hits as G-on Riders! and Mermaid melody Pitchi pitch pitch pitch x infinity.

However, the big surge of magical girl anime in the early 90’s ebbed to a stop, with long running series giving way to shorter and more punchy storylines, relegating classic magical girl to the depths of kids TV (Ojemajo Doremi), irony (Magikano, Nurse Witch Komugi, Magical Poka~n) and amusingly, pornography (Angel Blade, Beat Angel Escalayer)

Even current series bear little resemblance to the original takes on the genre, with Nanoha sharing the glory with such gems as My HiME/Otome and Shugo Chara! giving the “new take” on this old material.

However a genre grows and develops, it never seems to get rid of its roots. And magical girl is no exception. Nanoha, for example, retains quite a large number of the aspects of the original Magical Girl stereotype although the way in which the anime is executed shows that these more recent series are targeted at a very different audience – Male moe-obsessed, action-craving otaku.

Let’s take a look at some of these classic elements:

1. The Magical girl

Where better to start with than with the magical girl herself. As everyone knows, elementary school girls make the best magical girls, closely followed by middle schoolers and then high schoolers right at the bottom of the pack. The reason? High schoolers get too embarrassed during the nude transformation sequence (see point 8) and therefore magic power is markedly reduced. Scientifically proven that.

Unwittingly, this elementary schooler(s) are just wandering along in their everyday lives when lo and behold, they save the fluffy creature of point (2) from the VERY JAWS OF EVIL, therefore granting them the use of mgical powers which are NO USE IN REAL LIFE. Shame that. If only they could use Pretty cure Marble screw to bring an end to the war in Iraq I’m sure many people would be happy.

2. The furry sidekick

Any particular reason why the creature that said schoolkid rescues from the VERY JAWS OF EVIL has to be a particularly fluffy/cute specimen bar the obvious marketing advantages remains a mystery. Added merchandising bonuses if the fluffy creatures can change into something equally and separately marketable (Yes, Pretty cure, we’re talking about you)

Although I would quite like a life sized Reinforce…

3. The Magical device

Every magical girl needs her wand, though nothing quite beats the sheer power and sadisticness of Raging Heart in Excelion Mode.

4. The repetitive storyline

So why do we have to collect 100000 of these things that you scattered all over the Earth again? Because otherwise it’ll cause the END OF THE WORLD? Oh, I nearly forgot. Silly me.

5. The multiply recurring enemy

Didn’t we, you know, just kill you 99999 times already? Oh well, I guess one more time couldn’t hurt. Well, NOT ME ANYWAY!

6. The all-defeating magical attack

Two words – SUTARRAITO….BUREIKAAAAA~~~~

7. The ridiculous magical activation phrase

I think maybe they thought that schoolkids would be so enthralled by the series that they’d chant the transformation activation sequences in the playground while playing Sailor Moon with their friends. And then of course nip behind the nearest tree to strip off and change into that 10000yen Sailor Uranus costume that mum bought in a dodgy cosplay shop in Akiba. Ah, those were the days.

8. The nude transformation sequence

If there’s something that magical girl anime has taught us, it’s that we love nothing better than seeing a ten-year-old girl get stripped naked and clothes to suddenly appear sequentially on her body while the camera whips round artfully to avoid revealing the fact that she lacks nipples. And sexual organs.

9. The subtextual lesbianism

What do you mean subtextual? It’s there, plain as day! Especially that bit on sports day when Tomoyo hands Sakura a towel. She’s obviously saying that she’ll be *BEEP*ing her in the PE store cupboard in 10 minutes.

10. The long awaited new series with a new set of  characters made just to shift more merchandising that just doesn’t work as well as the old one did.

Sad, but undoubtedly and irrevocably true.

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So, this post is about the yuri in the current season and a couple of anime on the horizon for yuri fans amongst us (all of you, I hope!)

Now showing!

K-ON! (Ritsu/Mio, Tsumugi/Sawako)

Where would we be without Kyoto Animation? Well, probably about £40+ richer and with significantly less Haruhi merchandise methinks. So what of this latest offering from them? I think most of you know my opinion on the series – mainly that Mio is awesome and Yui the most annoying airhead this side of Tokyo. The parallels with Lucky Star are many and have all been made (Yep, it’s a 4 koma with 4 girls with basic 4 personalities – Hyper, Ojou, Quiet(Unexpectedly embarassable) and Baka – see my fanservice guide for more details). Nothing new here guys. I guess KyoAni saw that the Haruhi songs made them a fuck-load of yen so what better than an anime where there are loads of songs of various quality sung by cute seiyuu they can flog to unsuspecting drooling otaku. Makes sense.

The yuri offering in K-ON! comes first in the form of hyperactive baka Ritsu and her childhood friend/shima-pantsu goddess quiet and unexpectedly delicate Mio. Their relationship reminds me of one of the ships I supported way back in the beginning of my anime career – i.e. Tomo/Yomi from Azumanga Daioh. God that takes me back about 7 years. Anyway, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from reading badly spelled fanfiction, it’s that bashing your childhood friend around is an expression of deep passionate love. Therefore, Mio is actually looking for the first opportunity to jump Ritsu’s bones, so to speak. If only she could find a way to fuck her brains out without showing her panties. Or taking any clothes off. It’s kinda interesting to note that Mio’s personality would be absolutely repulsive on a male protagonist, but makes her the ultimate moe of the season. Just thought I’d point that out.

The second and more recently cupful of yuri is Tsumugi’s adoration for newly introduced and winner of “most original character this season”, multiple-personalities Sawako-chan. Though I’m not sure if Tsumugi is so enchanted by the sight of her that she forgets that Sawa-chan plays the guitar like a demon and used to dress as such. Sawa-chan should have learned – only Kiss can pull off that ensemble. And as a famous music reviewer once said “I saw Kiss as just a gimmick, but at the end of the day he’s the one tongue deep in some girl’s box, so who am I to argue” Nuff said. And anyway, I think that given the opportunity, Tsumugi could be tongue deep in Sawa-chan’s p…(Snip – Ed.)

Ahem. Anyway. What’s an all girls anime without a little same-sex love interest…One that ends up in the Recycle Bin I tells ya!

Saki (Saki/Nodoka)

I really need to dig out my old Mahjong set. Yep, watching Saki really makes me want to play Mahjong. I am a commercial influenced dumbass for sure this time. I remember playing Mahjong with my family. It was a different experience than the one suggested on Saki – mostly that we didn’t know how to play, the board takes ages to set up without an automatic table, no one really knows what scores what at the end and what the hell are those flower tiles for anyway???

Anyway, the only reason to watch Saki is (a) just on the off chance that Student Council President plays a match and beats everyone with her awesomeness or (b) to watch Nodoka’s pendulous breasts hypnotise Saki across the Mahjong board. If anyone hasn’t noticed that Ashita ha Docchi Da! (the group that did the Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha and Code Geass 4komas) is now doing a Saki 4 koma featuring Saki as an udder-obsessed bag of teenage hormones, go here*

Candy Boy (Yukino/Kanade)

Episode 7 hasn’t been translated at point of writing, but there’s a good summary here* and you can watch the raw episode on NIcoNicoDouga or download it at TokyoTosho. Needless to say, there’s a squeal worthy moment. Incest FTW

Queen’s Blade (Everyone/Everyone)

Where would fanservice be without yuri? Expect a whole lot of symmetrical docking and Aya Hirano in her most random role ever. I’ve even lost track of the yuri, but there’s a hell of a lot of it. Not quite as graphic as Ikkitousen though beats it in sheer quantity.

To the future!

Aoi Hana

Aoi Hana is an anime adaptation of a manga of the same name translated by Lillilicious as Sweet Blue Flowers. It revolves around the recently reunited osananajimi – Manjoume Fumi (the tall, bookish one) and Okudaira Akira (the pigtails one). The one most outstanding part of this manga (and anime) is that it eschews the traditional pathway of just pairing off the osananajimi (they were friends before, so obviously they secretly crush on each other) – and instead the story is dominated by a great feel of friendship, with two reunited friends helping each other through hard times. The art quality looks pretty good and I’ve got pretty high hopes for this one. It’ll be out next season.

Sasamekikoto

Sasamekikoto is one of my favourite yuri manga series of the moment which I believe is currently ongoing (Better check that) and being translated by Dynasty-Scans. It’s been announced that an anime adaptation will surface in due course, but the date is yet to be announced, so watch this (or other more reliable) spaces!

Sasamekikoto’s storyline centres around two girls – Ushio, who is an out and out lesbian who fancies every cute thing with a skirt and Sumire who isn’t but harbours a hopeless crush on Ushio. The central twist that ties this storyline together is that Sumire is a tall cool type (not unlike a bespectacled Sakaki-san from Azumanga) and just happens to be the only type of girl that Ushio is NOT interested in. Oh and they’re also childhood friends. Pretty stereotypical. Other characters come and are generally forgotten – Akemi is a girl who is actually a guy who cross-dresses as a model. Seen that one before. —-chan is a yuri doujinshi obsessed otaku who has a tiny crush on Sumire who she sees as a sister in arms. All are only mildly distracting side stories from the trials and tribulations of Sumire and Ushio’s everyday life in which one sided love is slowly starting to transform into something more wonderful. Hopefully the anime version of it won’t be as full of filler as the manga is but I think that’s probably too much to hope for.

And that’s the yuri prospects for now! If there’s any I’ve missed out then please chuck me a link in the comments below!

Add to:

It’s good to see that my post generated at least a little stir amongst my readers, both regular and troll. As some of the points I made seem to have been taken the wrong way, I thought that I would post a little clarifier for the benefit of those who may have been offended by anything I wrote.

First of all, point 12 – it was meant as a little light hearted poke at partners flummoxed by their hubby’s insistence on trying love the Greek way. I am entirely aware that (1) Not all men are obsessed with anal sex and (2) Enjoyment of anal sex is not mandatory to maintaining a loving relationship. The point being that men – perverts as we are will have come across the idea, being pornswogglers or not (its in virtually every men’s magazine anyway) but I don’t know of many men who reject partners on this basis! (well, maybe the gay ones). Number one point to take home – Anal freaks should stick together. Me included ^^

Second, the point about women in pornography being exploited or not – I am fully aware that there is a shadier side of pornography where women are forced into doing acts which they would never dream of doing consensually – probably fuelled by drug cravings or debts paid to human traffickers and pimps. However, these posts were meant to highlight the good things about pornography and in a couple of points I separated out “bad” (illegal) porn from the rest. Some pornography is criminal and should be punished as such, but the women participating in the rest – to the best of my knowledge enjoy what they do and flaunting their femininity for all to see. If you think about it – aren’t the men who pay for DVDs of these women who are getting a good wage the ones being exploited? And willingly?

Alexeon: Good comeback! I appreciate the support!

Jaden: It is a sad but true fact that women are being abused in virtually every area of the workplace, though we(?) do live in a part of the world where people are striving to make this not the case and the British porn industry for one – although not as extensive as the American one is definitely one where both actors and actresses are respected. Also, many actresses go on to become directors and make films that are more to their way of thinking (though actually, they usually end up pretty much like the ones directed by men but with less gangbang.) And for the record, I do have some clothing made by Vietnamese peasants. I mean, if we didn’t buy it then they wouldn’t be able to feed their children – it all depends on which side of the moral double-edged sword you choose to fall upon…

Caitlin: Sorry if I offended you, I think I covered your point above. Thanks for naming some of the actresses as well, it was most informative. It’s always good to get womens’ opinions on this blog as I’ve always taken my readership as a primarily male base. I think I agree with your point that it is the more freaky types that fail to hold down relationships – not because they are incapable, of course. Perhaps there is a factor that freakiness comes with a greater sex drive and therefore a greater number of shallower relationships rather than the ordinary person just out searching for her bishonen prince on his stereotypical white horse. Oh, and Bella really pisses me off in Twilight. Bring on the Alice x Bella Vamprape fanfiction ^^

Anonymous: Yes I was. I guess it wasn’t as funny as I thought.

Akakori: Wow, that was quite a comment – you should write for my site! I think you’ve highlighted one of the points I made with your gay porn example – that being thought of as a sexual object in some contexts is empowering to one’s confidence (even if the advances are unwanted) – only if this being thought of as a sexual object doesn’t spill over into cornering and raping that individual against his or her will of course. As you said – this is due to the multiply-quoted separating line between pornography/fantasy and real life. Del-Monte Kami-sama gave us a reality chip in our frontal lobes for a reason so we might as well use it. It would probably be better for people to acknowledge pornography and the way women are treated in this world and start their crusade from there rather than try to eradicate this rather in-built and not entirely harmful way of thinking. I especially liked your point 9/10 – We should be campaigning to increase the quality of our porn! By next year I expect there will now be a burgeoning industry in 100% Free range, organic, Fairtraded and woodland reared pornography…

Thanks everyone for your comments…I always enjoy reading them – even the trolling ones!

Yuri

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Translation: “You weren’t very good!”

7. Pornography is a replacement for sexual desire towards a partner.

“He watches pornography so much there’s none left for me!”

I guess this could be a problem. Well, if he really loved you, then he would save enough for you!

8. Pornography leads to rape and paedophilia

The two arguments in this case are (1) People inclined to rape are given ideas by watching violent pornography and (2) Normal people become rapists/paedophiles by watching pornography.

To tackle (2) first, this is simply a case of cause and effect as in point (6). Normal people look at normal porn. Paedophiles look at child porn, Rapists look at non-consensual rape porn (the hentai angle is something completely different that I discussed during fetish month in January) To say that normal people become interested in rape by watching rape porn is to ignore the majority of the consumers who are already interested in it. To coin a phrase, it’s the inquisitive mind that seeks it out, but an interested one that comes back for a second helping.

(1) is more difficult to defend. It could be argued that rapists would have offended anyway, even without a push, but then again it is difficult to peer into their minds and say for certain that watching violent rape DVDs didn’t at least pique their interest in carrying out the deed for real. Perhaps we can settle the matter by concluding that violent rape and child pornography – pornography depicting a real life crime – is evil. But that this does not necessarily imply that all porn is evil by default.

9. Pornography exposes underage children to sex and leads to underage sex and pregnancy/STDs

This one again is difficult to defend. It is true that by exposing underage kids to sex (which is now extremely easily accessible) there is in interest and then accordingly a danger associated with this an poor sexual education in schools. However, it could also be argued that the interest is there and would be just as bad, even without the pornography or gratuitous nudity around. I mean, look at the places where teenage pregnancy and STDs really are a problem – in Sub Saharan Africa. I’m sure that pornography isn’t really a problem there, but the men are still just as horny and in disregard/ignorance for their own/their partner’s health.

I know that there are a lot of cultural differences and that things are a lot more complex but it’s an interesting parallel. Also, it could be noted that Western teenage girls are still just as horny and up for sex even though they (mostly) don’t partake of the dodgy DVDs. Or that could just be peer pressure…

Nevertheless, it cannot be argued that the desire to have lots of unsafe sex is always there in the teenage years whether an example is being set by the media or not.

10. Pornography depicts women as sexual objects and exploits them.

Well, first of all, pornstars aren’t being exploited, most of them are in it for the money and the fact that they love having sex and they get paid more than their male counterparts. Whether a few women flaunting themselves in front of the camera demeans the gender as a whole could be argued differently.

It is true that pornography (as well as every other advert/page 3/TV show using scantily clad women) depicts women as sexual objects. And it is also true that some women would prefer for their gender not to be thought of just as sexual objects. Therefore, pornography obviously does not help these women in their crusade to be noticed as independent, intelligent beings in their own rights.

However, those women who are less serious about life I’m sure would be happy to be thought of as sexual objects every once in a while. The indisputable fact that most men lose control of their bodily functions around even moderately attractive women can be a helpful advantage in the workplace.

And if you really wanted to fix this problem then you wouldn’t just have to get rid of all the porn in the world (though that would be a start), but you’d also have to fix all the men’s brains as well! And with that major personality overhaul in place, I’m sure the world would be both an equal yet infinitely more boring place to live.

11. Pornography is boring

Yes. Yes it is.

Does this make it evil?

No. No it doesn’t.

Sorry for gif. But appropriate, I think…

12. Pornography makes my boyfriend want to do weird things when I just want to have normal sex

No, that’s just men. There are two solutions to this problem. (1) Get more broad minded and try something new (2) Go through as many boyfriends as you need to find one that doesn’t want to do anything kinky. Then pray that he doesn’t leave you for someone else who shows him the light.

Also, while I’m here, why is it that men are obsessed with putting their ding-a-ling up their girlfriend’s pooper, even though they’re terrified of putting anything into their own man-gina? Surely that’s pretty hypocritical… Is it a power thing? Whoever puts their vein-cane up the other person’s mucky motorway wins? Or is it that if you let anyone invade your precious butt-space and there’s even a hint of enjoyment you’re suddenly transformed into one of those GAY MONSTERS?

Remember: The only way you can prove you’re NOT gay is to have sex with a guy and not get hard.

And that’s the moral of the story.

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Trust me – if she were your neighbour, you’d covet that ass…

Hi everyone,

I’m back from Wales which was a very nice place to go at this time of the year. If there’s two phrases to describe Wales they’re “Beautiful” and “Full of sheep”.

But anyway.

I’m sure you all have been waiting with bated breath for the gripping rebuttal that I’m going to make that will smash the opposition away and prove once and for all that pornography is good wholesome fun…

Ahem.

Thank you all for your comments by the way – though you’re definitely a select audience I like to think that you’re all very balanced and rational people deep down and aren’t just “Who’s stealing my pornoz??!?” whenever anyone hints that they might just not like your particular brand of furry futanari tentacle rape hentai.

So where were we? Oh yes. Apparently pornography is evil if you listen to the media. In the same way as violent video games cause crime and driving games cause accidents. Sitting in the middle of the argument, it is very easy to see that the main objectors on both sides often don’t exactly know why they support or object to the subject. To sum up the majority views very briefly:

The women:  “Well, we’ve been brought up to think that porn is bad, I don’t like it now, so it must be!”

The men:  “I like watching naked women getting it on – surely that’s natural? Anyway, almost all men do, so what’s the problem?”

But this doesn’t make a coherent argument – merely heated ramblings and yelling on daytime TV. So let me make the points that I discussed before a little clearer from the point of view of the defence.

1. Pornography is a sin against God

Well, we can’t argue about that. Although (I will argue) it does in no way imply adultery in all cases, there will probably be a degree of coveting – if not your neighbour’s ass, then probably his wife’s. However, the only conclusion that we can make from this is that Christians should probably not be looking at pornography, since it seems to be against at least one Commandment and masturbation is also a sin.

Unless they watch it purely for the enjoyment of the movie without any coveting or beneath-table fumbling. However, to the rest of us this argument obviously doesn’t apply!

2. Watching pornography is like adultery

In reference to the point (1), the two objections most people who are not religious have are that in watching a naked women have sex and being turned on by such, a man must lust after her (or covet her ass), and then it follows that he is being unfaithful to his partner by lusting after another woman.

First of all, is lusting after another really cheating on a partner? I would say not, since they are markedly different things. It is difficult (I wouldn’t say impossible) to control feelings of lust toward another, but easy to control kissing/sleeping with said other. I think if the person in question was really lusting after others then they probably wouldn’t need pornography to assist in this – they could just as well do it on the street at lunchtime.

At least with porn you know that the people that he lusts after are unattainable! If you’re really worried about his mental faithfulness, then I would watch for the real life threats!

3. Pornography is similar to using prostitutes

Well, most porn is free these days if you know where to find it ^^

But seriously, I suppose there is a parallel, since pornstars are paid to have sex. But is watching prostitutes evil? I would say that using real prostitutes is probably worse, since they are generally not working of their own free will and paying them feeds drug dealers and human trafficking. Whereas it appears that pornstars are pretty happy in their jobs.

Rape is in the eye of the beholder… 

4. Pornography depicts a messy and disgusting act that should be conducted in private

How ancient is this view? I think that as members of a Western society in the 21st Century, we should at least be prepared to accept that sex happens and that it’s both natural and good. As for it being messy, yes I suppose so, but not if you have an ample supply of tissues by the bedside.

So if we take the above into consideration, then Pornography depicts a messy, yet natural and wholesome act. Therefore the issue of it being conducted in private should be up to the couple involved and the people watching. Obviously if they don’t mind people watching and the people watching don’t mind the fucking, then surely there’s no problem?

5. Pornography is uncultured and panders to our base instincts

Yes, it does pander to our base instincts. I think the main issue here is whether “things that pander to our base instincts” de-culture us as individuals. If we think of other things in a similar vein – Adrenaline sports like skydiving and basejumping, Eating gourmet foods and drinking nice wines, Socialising in big groups, Loving our parents and a Desire to procreate are all some of our most basic instincts (well, maybe not the wine thing but I like port). So apparently our other base instincts aren’t really that bad.

So one could argue that our desire to have sex and in some cases watch sex is not a “bad” instinct but in fact completely natural and therefore watching pornography is not an uncultured activity for this reason.

6. Pornography takes over people’s lives and is detrimental to real-life relationships.

This one could be argued for decades. There will always be the case of the strange man who breaks up with his wife/ gets arrested by the police who then uncover large amounts of pornography on his computer. So the question is – is the fact that he was strange in the head make him collect pornography or did the porn make him strange in the head. Most likely the former, I would say. So therefore, if you removed the pornography would the situation have changed? Probably not.

As for ruining relationships, the main reason cited why relationships decline would probably be: “He likes the porn more than me”, “He wouldn’t give up the porn for me” or “Ugh! I just found out that he looks at porn, gross!!”, so this is mostly attributable to the partner’s attitude to pornography. So we could say that it is not pornography that breaks up relationships but the fact that by and large, men and women have polar opposite views on the subject.

—————–

Wow, this is turning out long! Rest of the rebuttal continues tomorrow!

Add to:

So it’s back to business as usual at Yuri to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito… I apologise for the short hiatus – Omattaseshimashita! Moushiwake arimasen deshita.

This post is about the ongoing “big” debate. All the points probably can’t be covered in one post, as it’s something that’s been debated for centuries (mostly one-sidedly) and it’s about time the other side fought back. I’m talking about the premise that pornography is evil.

The argument was brought to my attention when I watched an episode of “The Wright Stuff” (Channel 5 early morning public debate program) on the subject. They usually talk about three topics over the course of an hour, but the phone calls were so vehement that they had to cancel the remaining two debates to focus on this one. One of the most striking things that came up over the course of the program is how the majority (if not all) the supporters were men and all the people condemning pornography were women. Funny that.

I understand that most of you as my readers (regardless of gender) are rather a select community of people (a very small select community) and having been carefully chosen by me, you’ll probably be siding with me on the “Porn isn’t evil” side of things but I’ll do my best to try and debate things from both sides of the argument.

Introduction

First we have to define the argument in question.

Pornography as a word comes from two Greek words meaning “prostitute” and “pictures or writing” so literally pornography is “pictures of prostitutes”. So we could define pornography as media depicting naked women (or men) exposing themselves for profit or engaging in sexual acts for reasons other than love. This leaves a rather wide grey area to explore – what about artistic pictures of nudity? Would that be considered pornography? And what about sex scenes in a movie that are explicit but are between a loving couple in the storyline?

Obviously the line between art and pornography is blurred (as is the line between art and garbage or art and tableware). The BBFC would probably lean towards a more simple method of classification – Nudity (for anything up to fully exposed, non-aroused bodies) and Pornography (for any actual depiction of penetration or other more depraved acts such as S&M)

And what do we mean by evil? Obviously we don’t mean flaming pits of sulphur, taking candy from babies and kicking cute kittens kind of evil (though i suppose some of the more radical debaters would have it that way). By evil in this context, I would mean how it impacts on the user and the people around him/her. Therefore, indulging in pornography would be evil if it was detrimental to the user, his close family/friends and society as a whole.

The prosecution

So first let’s hear the arguments against pornography. I’ll start with the more classical arguments and work my way forwards in time:

1. Pornography is a sin against God (coveting, sex outside wedlock)

   If you’ve read your bible, you’ll know that God disapproves of most things that are fun. This includes homosexuality and lesbianism, masturbation and most importantly, sex outside of wedlock. Not to mention that you’re breaking the 10th Commandment for coveting your neighbour’s ass. If we take their view that sex is a sacred act for the sake of unity and procreation, then big black men impregnating little white girls in pigtails – probably not going to go down well…

2. Pornography is adultery/like cheating on a partner I guess this is the non-religious version of the above. I think that a lot of (mainly) women who are not interested in pornography see it as an affront to their own assets – that their partner isn’t satisfied with theirs and feels the need to ogle other women’s as well. I mean, you’ve stopped him looking at other girls in real life, so why not in movies as well? Kinda similar to men who feel that their virility is at stake when they find out that their partner uses a vibrator…

3. Pornography is similar to using prostitutes

   I mean – you’re paying for watching sex, so it must be like a peep show, mustn’t it? And you’re watching women who have sex for cash so they’re prostitutes in the broad sense of the word.

4. Pornography depicts sex which is a messy and disgusting act that should be conducted in private

   One of the older arguments – despite all the liberality that is trying to get around at the moment, sex is still seen as a very private act. Some would even say it was crass and disgusting, on par with going to the toilet for example. Obviously, people who think that sex is disgusting would probably not enjoy watching those pornstars rutting doggy-style every night after the cable watershed…

5. Pornography is animalistic and uncultured, pandering to our base instincts to think about sex all the time

   Humans have got to where they are today by abandoning their animal instincts and thinking about things. We don’t have to eat meat, for example, we can choose not to. It could be argued that it is this freedom from our instincts that allowed us to be innovative and break free of the food chain to form higher society. So why would we condone the spread of media which encourages the spread of these base instincts? Surely if people go back to these then they will become uncultured and therefore less functional individuals?

6. Pornography takes over people’s lives and is detrimental to both that person’s life and real life relationships

   I guess this is a real one. It is definitely true that pornography ruins rela real life relationships. From FHM surveys and my own experience, pornography can become a large part of one’s life and can impact on other activities if you let it. With respect to ruining relationships, this is usually through point (1), (2) or maybe even (7) and (12) in some cases. It could be argued that the very fact that liking pornography results in relationship breakdown is detrimental in itself…

7. Pornography is a replacement for sexual desire towards a partner

   I think a lot of women think that watching pornography means that their partner prefer looking at the pornstars than at them. Therefore, they feel belittled or undesired. Also, there’s the wanker’s cramp…

8. Pornography leads to rape and paedophilia

   The media love this one. It’s kind of similar to “violent video games cause violent crime” argument. Do paedophiliac tendencies cause them to seek out child pornography or is it the other way round? Does watching rape make Japanese people go out and gangrape/bukkake women. Well…maybe if they paid them first.

9. Pornography exposes underage children to sex and causes problems (STDs, teenage pregnancy)

   Especially the internet has made this a problem – exposing children with little or no understanding of sex (sex education is, let’s face it, rubbish) to explicit sexual acts with the implication that there are no lasting consequences. They sure have it good these days – I had to survive on tattered copies of Playboy and the odd softcore Channel 5 flick.

10. Pornography exploits women/depicts them as sexual objects

    Feminists love this one. Apparently, an industry where women who are willingly recruited and paid significantly more money than their male counterparts is an affront to femininity and depicts them as sexual objects… I suppose it is a rather male dominated industry in production. But remember – in unstable market, only wise investment is porn.

11. Pornography is boring

    Well, yeah, it is…So?

12. Pornography makes my boyfriend want to do weird things when I just want to have normal sex (gives men unrealistic expectations).

    I guess that would be a problem. You’d better tell him firmly that that’s where stuff comes out, not where stuff goes in.

I’ve belatedly decided to split this into two posts. How about I let whoever can be bothered debate why all these points are a load of ballsacks and come back with my rebuttals to the above later on this week!

Ja ne!

PS – Formatting came out weird so it should be corrected now!

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I just got my results from clinical practicals today and…I don’t have to do retakes on Thursday or Friday!

Joy of joys!

New post on its way shortly!

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Just a post to let you all know that my medical finals are next week (Monday and Tuesday, and if I fail, Thursday and Friday too).

Unfortunately with all the panicking and boredom flecked with guilt revision I haven’t had time to prepare another post for you all this weekend. I’m sure you’ll survive without me anyway!

See you on the other side…Hopefully.

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1. Okazaki Tomoya (Clannad)

| So not cool here though…

Well, it was because I’ve only just watched Clannad 24, but isn’t Tomoya cool? Not just because he’s a delinquent who has the heart of gold (stereotypical male protagonist 2a), but he’s pretty realistic in his goals and pursuing love (whatever route you choose – I’m more of a Tomoyo fan, of course, since she satisfies the criteria of cool girl who is surprisingly delicate). And MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL – he can deal with love and its ups and downs without dissolving into an introspective gibbering moron.

Golden moment: When he lied about his feelings to Tomoyo so that she wouldn’t be distracted in pursuing her dream…then ate a crepe and cried.

2. Negi Springfield (Mahou Sensei Negima!)

| Just fsking awesome…

Lets face it, Negi would so own you. In every respect. He learned Japanese in a month and he shoots enough magical energy out of his body to light the New York Christmas lights. Not to mention he’s only 10. Though surely he must be at least 11 by now, Akamatsu-sensei? And thankfully, although he gets introspective about love, he doesn’t break down and go all soppy like he probably will do when he turns teenager…

Golden moment: Owning Rakan with, like 50 billion new techniques he learned in like, a day. Yay shounen!

3. Madarame (Genshiken)

| In your dreams matey…

One of the most important stereotypes is the one which was thought up to reflect the typical otaku – hopeless, clumsy guy, usually getting caught up in extraordinary situations and suddenly finding out he’s awesome after all.

Madarame is possibly the most accurately portrayed otaku (although all the Genshiken reflect your common or garden anime society) and thankfully, he remains hopeless and aimless throughout the anime and the manga and his love of doujinshi and ero-hon doesn’t wane one bit.

Golden moment: His one-sided crush on Saki – possibly my favourite relationship in the manga. The development of the relationship from pure hatred to something resembling friendship with Madarame’s never-to-be-said feelings is kinda sad and very very real.

4. Lelouch (Code Geass)

| Even better in drag.

Mad as a hatter and so unbelievably overconfident though he sucks at fighting. You can’t help but to think that the size of his army is compensating for something…

5. Jin (Samurai Champloo)

| Yep, exactly like me, but with glasses. And not as cool.

I’ve not actually watched Samurai Champloo, but I’ve put Jin in because apparently he looks like me.

6. Yoshitaka (He is My Master)

Yoshitaka takes a special place on this list. Despite being in a position to get girls if he tried, he chooses instead to scheme up radical plots and plans to get them in skimpier and skimpier clothing to fulfil his rich boy/otaku desire. Now if that’s not a man, then I don’t know who is…

7. Keitaro Urashima (Love Hina)

Yeah, he is the stereotypical wimp/accidental pervert type. But until you see how awesome cool he gets over the course of the last few volumes, suddenly the whole thing feels like a “coming of age”/growing up kind of affair, and you can almost forgive Akamatsu-sensei for being so boring with the character in the beginning.

Golden Moment: Beating Motoko with only a shinai (though she had a cold)

8. Suguru Misato (Mahoromatic)

Another along the same lines, Suguru is pretty lame throughout most of the manga. In fact almost all of the manga. But with Mahoro gone, he’s free to grow up to become the disillusioned cyborg mercenary that we all know Mahoro was training him to be in the beginning. What else were the panty flashes and breast enlarging machines for?

9. Mizuho Miyanokouji (OtoBoku)

| Admit it – you’d hit it.

He makes cross-dressing look GOOD.

Oh Japan, you and your unisex given-names. You make it soo easy…

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| This is the only way in which men are allowed into this relationship!

Yay, another midweek post! It’s time for some more free philosophy…

I had a revelation this week.

I’ve spent a lot of time commenting on the different facets of the yuri genre and why I think that it appeals to people – especially men and loser fanboys like myself. However, I’ve never really explored why I myself came to like yuri, since it was in no way a mere graduation from the watching of lesbian pornography and the typical flesbian trash that plagues a teenage boy’s existance.

This week, while reading some new manga (namely To aru kagaku no choudenjibou), I finally realised the reason why I prefer yuri relationships over their usual counterparts…

Yuri keeps girls pure.

Now please let me qualify this seemingly controversial statement. I can already hear people heckling in the wings “If you’re talking purity, you should meet some of the lesbians I know!” Get ready for the logic train…

1. The 2D phenomenon

Everyone knows that otaku are dysfunctional people. I mean, they lust after two-dimensional girls more than three-dimensional ones. Obviously you’re much more of a man fapping over some American trash like “Big Tits Grrls Fuck a Gazillion Black Dudes At The Same Time 14” than you are looking at characters that don’t even exist. I mean, there’s got to be an outside possibility that you, some 14 year old acne-ridden twerp from Grimsby may later go on to meet said Big Tits Grrls and proceed to have hot sexual intercourse with them whereas that otaku’s chances are zero.

But are they really that dysfunctional?

Well, probably. But my point is this – Fictional characters are desirable purely because of their very nature. By being fictional, they can be to all means and purposes – perfect. If you like slender yet aggressive bookish types who like to let their armpit hair grow long, I’m sure there’s a mangaka somewhere that would draw you one. In short, anime girls don’t generally suffer from those annoying things like realistic personalities. Well, not if you don’t want them to of course…

2. On hating men

So lets take a look at the typical male protagonist. It’s not hard, they don’t come in many shapes or colours. Most of them either target the audience (shy/useless/perverted guy enters some place and becomes awesome type) or are just out to be awesome (generally awesome and cool hero type).

I think everyone who reads this blog knows I have a huge thing about male protagonists, as I think they are by and large either lame or slimy. Therefore, I accordingly have a thing about these fictitious men having teh sexxors with the aforementioned idealised fictitious girls.

In many cases, I think it demeans their “perfect” status. Silly huh?

| Li Syaoran – the archetypal loser-put-there-to-fall-for-female-lead character

Crossing over to real life, how does this affect my attitudes to heterosexual and homosexual relationships? The answer – not very much.

I quite like to watch a good lesbian storyline as much as the next man, but I don’t shy away from a good heterosexual love story. And on occasion, I have been known to say that regular porn is fine in small doses.

So why the difference?

Here’s my hypotheses:

Rape: If you want to demean girls, there’s nothing better than a good old rape doujinshi. As I’ve explored before, the pre-ponderance to rape in Japanese pornography (both in 2D and Real Life, incidentally), is driven by the male-centricity of both the Japanese culture and also the Doujinshi industry.

If we look carefully at the material, we find common themes even in non-rape stories -  mainly of girls losing themselves because the men are “too good” or girls “not being able to help” throwing themselves on their boyfriends in public places – so on and so forth.

In contrast, there is a much heavier woman-centricity in Western porn. Although it is still an industry run by men for men, there is a definite feeling that actually the actresses run the show. Not only do they get paid more, but they are in “control”, visibly “letting” men have their way with them.

Stereotype: Going back to male protagonists, I shall add another purpose to their being (apart from being the audience “avatar”), and that is to have the female lead fall for them. Note which way round I put that, since it is a lot rarer for the protagonist to fall for the girl rather than this way round.

I guess my main objection to this stock storyline that plagues around 80% of all productions is that there is a certain degree of force driving two characters together who should otherwise be wrong for each other. Even though effort is made to try and surround this with a storyline, it is obvious that the female lead is there purely to fall for the protagonist. Otherwise, you could have just put another guy in her place, couldn’t you…

And that very existence is demeaning in itself. Combine with this the probability of being cock-whipped by your prospective hubby when you finally get together and life’s not looking good for your typical fictional female.

And so…

So I guess that’s enough man hating for this week. It’s not that I hate men. Far from it, I think certain parts of them are great ^^;; (c.f. Yuribou-Scans). And I’m not suggesting that men are dysfunctional and incapable of having an appropriate relationship with a girl. I’m just saying 1) that protagonists are lame and 2) The only people who are worthy of having sex with idealised women are other idealised women.

For great justice.

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Hope everyone had a great Easter weekend! I’ve been down in London at our new flat (which I’ll be moving into after/if I pass my exams in two weeks T_T)…

I thought that it had been a long time since I updated people on the yuri couples I’m following in the current and recent anime/manga series that are being translated of late, so I’ll give you the run down.

Thanks to lots of fantastic scanlation groups, such as Horobi no Michi working their collected asses off for the yuri community hungry for their dose of moe girl-girl loving, there’s a whole host of works to choose from and these are just a few of the couples that I’m rooting for at the moment. Some of them are completely off canon and some of them are established couples, but I’ll be explaining why I like them as I discuss each one.

1. Mikoto/Kuroko (To aru kagaku no choudenjibou)

Type: Unrequited

First up is this manga (I think it’s being animatised soon) which is a spin off of To aru majutsu no index focusing on the railgun girl and Judgement. You could go so far as to say it’s basically the moe equivalent of the original series, since it only has one (annoying) male cast member. Why? I don’t know. Token male, I guess.

The relationship that Kuroko and Mikoto share is kouhai to onee-sama (think Mari-mite or Strawberry Panic), though their characters are very different – Kuroko is the level headed sensible one (but not when it comes to matters involving Mikoto) and Mikoto is the hot headed impulsive character. Kuroko is head-over-heels in admiration/love/kill-anyone-who-comes-near-my-oneesama with Mikoto, who in her general dim-witted way ignores it and takes it as over-protective mothering.

You’ll begin to see a common theme as the list unfolds and that is “I like unrequited couples”. Mainly because I feel sorry for the poor girls who are doing everything in their power to get their respective crush to acknowledge them to no avail. So it’s good that I managed to get a picture of Kuroko getting her way for once then… (Translated by yours truly ^^)

2. Yomi/Kagura (Ga-Rei Zero)

Type: Subtext

Yeah, I know this is reeeally subtextual, but since they’re not related I kinda pushed them towards the subtext category instead…

What I really like about these two is the story behind them – two girls driven together by fate who come to love each other like sisters but driven apart again only for their love to be tested in an all-out final conclusion (with no spoilers)

I mean, if that’s not real love, then what is?

3. Yumi/Touko (Maria sama ga Miteru 4th)

Type: Implied

With the screening of Maria sama ga miteru 4th, the fans of Marimite following the anime finally get to see the “Yumi picks an imouto” arc, which sees (at the outset) Kanako and Touko vying for their beloved onee-sama’s affections in their own separate ways. Touko really steals the show with her storyline of “Tsundere with a gasp-worthy secret”. Though the real wonder is how Yumi with her happy-go-lucky attitude and babyish looks has managed to win the admiration and affection of the whole school… Did everyone forget that all the Roses were high-class ladies with great grace and poise?

Everyone knows the real reason why Kanako chose not to become Yumi’s soeur is because with the mismatch in height it would be impossible to 69. She thinks ahead does that one…Oh yes.

4. Julia/Ran (Strawberry Shake Sweet)

Type: Implied/Virginal

I’m still backing these two, even though Shake has been going for absolutely ages and the mangaka has gone onto better things (namely Hayate x Blade), simply because I love the couple – incorrigible block-head idol and similarly stupid innocent newcomer make for hilarious hijinks.

Julia makes a much better nosebleeding yuri than Maria+Holic’s Kanako..

5. Ami/Minori (Toradora!)

Type: (very) Subtextual

These two are so subtextual they’re basically off the radar and somewhere out into the Atlantic Ocean. In true yuri fanboy nature, I have isolated one scene in which the two share a moment and extrapolated this relationship from there.

This scene is in the penultimate episode where, after seeing Taiga and Ryuuji leave Ami’s house, Minori finally breaks down and cries with only Ami there to console her. Somehow, in that awkward moment, I thought – wow, two girls who fell for the same guy and got rejected having a moment – yuri relationship fodder!

And everyone knows that an Ami/Minori relationship would be hilarious.

6. Suzu/Sairi (Transistor Teaset)

Type: Unrequited

Yay, another unrequited couple! This time it’s a younger girl and older onee-san type. Sairi is the grade school girl in question who’s looked after her onee-san Suzu since her Grandfather died and left her his electronics shop in Akiba. And so we have a couple made of impudent yuri-loli who has the hots for a total geek-girl slob (who happens to be in secret love with her childhood friend anyway)

Poor Sairi. She needs a good dose of loliyuri loving to sort her out. As for why I don’t particularly like Midori/Suzu, it’s because I’m a bit tired of the dojikko maid stereotype for now. It’s definitely getting old

7. Mari/Akko (Girlfriends)

Type: ?Unrequited

Yep, these two are still going strong. Now Mari’s even pretending to be straight so she can understand Akko better, while Akko is wrestling with her own feelings after the kiss knocked her for six. Now Akko’s where Mari was at the beginning of the manga, unsure of her own sexuality while Mari is still trying to bury her feelings because she’s convinced herself that they’ll never be returned.

It’s the kind of innocent love story that really hits the spot amongst the magical girls and the lascivious on the spot rape that pretty much sums up the rest of things…Even though Morinaga Milk feels the need to spin it out to eternity.

With every episode, the feeling increases inside that “If the ending is crap, someone’s gonna pay”.

8. Kanade/Sakuya (Candy Boy)

Type: Unrequited/Stalker

Another unrequited one. Sakuya’s stalker ways are made so much cuter by the way that Yukino encourages her by collecting Kanade’s things and selling them to her in exchange for snacks.

But anyway, if Kanade actually did offer herself to Sakuya, chances are that she’d haemorrhage on the spot anyway.

9. Setsuko/Yukino

Type: Overt

The only overt couple in this summary! Octave came out of the blue to be one of my favourite yuri mangas (Even though Tranquil Scans rejected my scanlation application. Grr.) It’s probably the most true to life of all the couples on this list (though that’s not saying much ^^). Yukino is a failed idol who ends up with Setsuko, a musician, almost by accident and exhibits the usual response of running away from her feelings.

What follows is then a touching (but drawn out) story of feelings realised, discovering sexuality and lots of growing up that Yukino missed out on while she was out becoming an idol.

I guess time will tell if there is a point to the drawn-outness and whether Yukino will eventually settle down. She should just realise that she has an awesome girlfriend and have lots of hawt sex like the rest of us.

Awesome.

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Well, for numerous reasons, especially boredom, here’s a rare midweek post.

If you’ve read a film magazine relatively recently, you’ve seen that a UK comedy duo has released a film, which outwardly seems to fit my interests – namely “Lesbian Vampire Killers”, in which two nerdy types visit a strange village which has an unusual curse in which the girls become lesbian vampires.

Basically pandering to both of the basic male urges to a) lesbians and b) cheap B movie horror.

And this got me thinking about the phenomenon of fake (over the top) lesbianism in general; or FLESBIANS to coin a term. This would involve girls who aren’t actually gay grinding in a pseudo-Sapphic erotic display. Think examples like pole-dancing girls in nightclubs or even those terrible softcore porn films that Channel 5 (or your country equivalent) used to show after the watershed.

Signs of Flesbianism include over-enthusiastic tongue kissing, (Note to all animators and filmmakers alike – it is not sexy or particularly realistic to tongue-tango entirely outside the mouth. In fact, it looks VERY SILLY.), general over-dramatisation and physiques on both sides that wouldn’t look out of place sunbathing in Monaco. In short, Flesbianism is the kind of off the cuff lesbianism just for show. To the men watching it’s two beautiful women getting hot and heavy together, but the show is so highly charged and downright unrealistic that the implication is “This girl is so up for it she goes for girls and boys equally”.

And if you refer back to my Fetish Month yuri post, one of the top ranking explanations for why men like lesbians is that: “They’d like to get in there for a threesome”. Although I’m sure most of you wonderful people out there reading my blog don’t fall into that category, I’m sure it’s a pretty common mindset in the general population.

So you can see the reason that I dislike this form of yuri.

Yes, pseudo-lesbianism such as this has its place. It is clear to see in it’s portrayal in real-life pornography where Flesbians have lascivious, over-the-top sex (which real lesbians probably would tell you doesn’t look like it would hit the spot) in ostensibly public places before getting “discovered” by a guy who they then proceed to have a threesome with despite the obvious “gay couple + opposite sex =/= good”.

What the mass media needs is more proper lesbian storylines and as a bonus, if they were acted well that would be nice as well. What puzzles me slightly is how few and far between they are (especially because they always create a stir in the media – generally along the lines of “LEZ LOVE ON TEH OC HAWT”, but never mind eh.) since surely in this day and age we can treat these relationships in the same way as those common or garden heterosexual ones…

Or is that just a distant dream?

Don’t mind me – I’m just another guy waxing lyrical on lesbianism. Bloody perverted men.

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After going back on topic last week with a yuri post, this blog deviates from the theme yet again with a post on (gasp) the male side of hentai.

By male, I mean of course, the male protagonist. Men in pornography in general occupy a difficult role. On one hand, they must have something in common with their audience so that there is some empathy between them and on the other, they must be somewhat superior to their counterparts in the trouser compartment. The reasons for this are complex, suffice to say – “That pornstar screaming ecstatically on the end of it wouldn’t be half as impressed if he was hung like common people”.

So in “real life” porn pornstars should ideally look fairly normal and boy-next doory but be hung like a marine mammal. However, most companies decide to completely ignore their demographic and go for buff enormous bodybuildery types that also happen to be hung like marine mammals. Why they do this? No one knows…but it might serve to elevate the level of male pornstar still further above the level of any other mere male.

Or it could be that men don’t actually look at anything else while the screwing is going on, so they don’t notice.

The situation in hentai

However, in the world of Japanese hentai, things are accordingly more complex. Obviously, they couldn’t just stick with one kind of male lead role, they had to have loads of different types. And to me, they’re all annoying in their own little way. In this post, I’ll be describing the major stereotypes as they come to mind and exactly why each of them get my proverbial goat.

1. The faceless rapist / Disembodied Penis syndrome

Probably my favourite stereotype, this appears a lot in eromanga and doujinshi – usually when the lead female who is drawn in immaculate detail is being raped by loads of men who the mangaka cannot be bothered to draw separately, so they are either drawn as lower bodies sporting never-ending wood or even just disembodied penises – frighteningly remeniscent of the legacy of some serial emasculator.

Advantages – I think what the mangaka is trying to do is “draw the attention away from the men” and toward the girl being raped silly and in this way, men reading it won’t be distracted by silly feelings of jealousy toward made up men having their way with their desired fictional girlfriend and can instead concentrate on jerking off to her being doused in a wave of seminal fluids.

Disadvantages – Think of the marketing opportunities that there people have missed: Want a threesome, but afraid you might get jealous? Hire a faceless man! He won’t speak and he’ll pork your girlfriend like crazy! Pay 10000 yen extra and he comes with a detachable penis for extra fun!

2. The wet and annoyingly lucky guy

The most annoying out of all of the stereotypes – the guy who is pretty much a loser in every other respect – he’s a bit of a geek, he doesn’t have many friends, he’s never really been good with girls – in fact, he’s pretty much a model for a great proportion of the fanbase who avidly snap up each of the new hentai releases (myself included, of course). But suddenly, he’s dragged into a world of carnal pleasures when four girls decide that they find the way he h4XX0rs his way through a game of Counterstrike is really sexy… or something. Yeah, like that would ever happen. (T_T)

Advantages: Well, we’re pretty much hitting the “audience empathy” nail on the head so hard you’ll never pull it out of the proverbial wall again with this one. If you can get the hordes of seething girlfriendless otaku to believe that if they just bide their time, then girls will come at them like starving Tyrannosaurs to a fresh Stegosaurus carcass you’ll be raking it in.

Disadvantages: God they’re annoying. Stop being such wet saps and just have a fivesome with all of them at the same time already.

3. The overconfident twatface

Probably beaten into second place by the wet annoying guy is this one – probably the closest you can get to the real life pornstar stereotype I mentioned earlier. In this case, you’ve got the overconfident male type who blags his way through the bedsheets of various girls only to cast them aside like the bastard he is or just rapes them violently to make up for his premature ejaculation issues. Think back to the school disco in your secondary (high) school. Think of how awkward it was, with most of the boys and girls standing in two very separate pools, while the popular guys danced with the pretty girls? You know what they did afterwards? Nurture that resentment…

Advantages: Err…none, probably. I don’t think the “elevating the male lead” excuse works outside of beefy muscular pornstars.

Disadvantages: You just want to punch the computer screen, but skilfully avoid it because you know that the resultant electric shock would probably be best used by putting said male protagonist’s head through said computer screen.

4. The dirty ugly male groper

Pretty much unique to the Japanese psyche, this class of guy stems from the great Japanese pastime of Chikan koui (see my Hentai dictionary for details) – otherwise known as groping girls on trains. So in a fantasy world of these gropers, girls forego the traditional slap to the face or calling the police for ecstatic yells and then letting them have their way with them on public trains while the rest of the public go about their daily business completely oblivious. Probably happens in Japan.

Advantages: Well, it must bring in the Train groper demographic. And probably the “Like having sex in public” demographic. And the Voyeur demographic. And don’t forget the “I’m ugly but I just want to be loved” demographic.

Disadvantages: Do we really, really want to see pretty girls being raped by ugly old men? I guess ugly old men want to see that, but besides that. Are we really that bad that watching ugly men getting it on with beautiful women increases our self esteem? The answer? Probably.

5. The hypnotist

Yeah, I’ve done this one before. But really? Hypnotism? Surely there must be a better and more plausible storyline – like using GHB or other mind-altering drugs, whipping them, S&M style until they break or good old fashioned blackmail? Anything’s better than the aforementioned ugly old man with his pocketwatch getting pretty girls to slaver over his withered old boomstick until he spews his paste onto her blank features. Haven’t we flogged that poor storyline enough?

Advantages: You can make any kind of sex act, including the really really silly ones “consensual” for those of use that don’t really like the whole rape thing.

Disadvantages: Hypnotism? Really??

Conclusion

So what exactly can we conclude from all this? Well, I set out to find out what the perfect male hentai lead character was and all I’ve discovered is that all of them are stupid and flawed and I wouldn’t have them within a mile of my perfect 2D girlfriend (if I had one, of course).

So what would be the perfect man then? Obviously someone who was not too buff, not too confident, not too ugly, not too geeky, not too annoying and hung like the proverbial marine mammal. A bit like me, then.

Apart from the last bit of course.

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As promised, I’ve got some yuri philosophising for you this week

It’s no secret that I like categorising everything that I’m interested in. I believe I’ve already started to try and develop a classification for Yuri in some of my previous posts – most notably my final fetish month post in the Spring. However, in this post I’m going to try and definitively classify yuri and also have a stab at how this classification evolves with the passage of a storyline and spinoffs etc.

So first we have to define yuri. A definition that I will use is: “Yuri is an interaction between two girls which may be perceived as being more than friendship.” I know this is particularly vague, but since it is the loser fanboy obsession to make yuri out of mere subtext, the genre by very definition is fuzzy and ill defined.

So with this definition of yuri we can now look at the couples involved. Yuri couples can be grouped into four subsets:

1. Subtextual
2. Unrequited/Stalker
3. Implied
4. Overt

Now bear in mind that each couple isn’t defined as occupying one of these, rather that these groups define a couple’s interactions at any particular period of time and that these may change with time or if there is a significant event. Each of these stages is well defined, and there are set criteria which a couple has to fulfil on screen to move to another category from their original one. (Note that this doesn’t just apply to anime, but can be applied to lesbian couples in the media as a whole.)

I shall define each of these groups in turn:

1. Subtextual

Otherwise known as “Fanfiction fodder”, this is your basic Loser yuri fanboy couple. Generally two girls who are either good friends or mortal enemies (we all know that mutual animosity is based on sexual frustration and pent up homosexuality, after all). The two may not interact in a way that would be perceived in real life as being out of the ordinary – e.g. holding hands, hugging, flying magical battles etc. but to the loser fanboy eye, there is something there implying that either they do harbour some kind of romantic feelings for each other…though these might be hidden deep deep down. There may be some mild jealous streaks exhibited by either girl when a rival (boy) comes into the picture…

Examples in our current and previous season: The entire cast of Maria sama ga miteru, Torako/Suzume (Hyakko), Haruka/Chiaki (Minami-ke) and my favourite (and most esoteric) – Minori/Ami (Toradora!)

By definition:

• Neither girl must overtly confess their love or even hint that they wish for more from their friendship than the norm (therefore ruling out couples such as Sakura/Tomoyo)
• The feelings of friendship (or indeed mortal enemy-ship) must be mutual
• Kissing on the cheek is fine, but on the lips is a definite no-no (unless accidental), as is any other pseudo-erotic act such as finger sucking, reverse boob grabbing (unless in special cases) or shower groping

But, we can allow:

• Accidental embarrassing moments e.g. Accidentally getting too close to the other’s face, walking in on the other while changing, wardrobe malfunction.
• Touching moments of friendship culminating in hugging.
• “I love you” said with no extra implications

2. Unrequited/Stalker

This category is not continuous from (1), since unrequited couples cannot originate from subtextual couples, since the feelings are not mutual. Subtextual couples may arise from Unrequited couples, though this is rare. The more usual course of events is for unrequited couples to remain in their current status throughout the course of a storyline or have a momentous event and convert either to an implied or overt couple – e.g. Shizuru/Natsuki (Mai HiME). Stalker couples have various guises – One girl may be an overt lesbian and chase other girls to no avail (c.f. Maria Holic), or there might be a sempai/kouhai relationship between them (c.f. Azumanga Daioh). On the more normal end of the scale, the couple may be best friends, though one evidently wishes for more out of their relationship (c.f. Sakura/Tomoyo – CCS). As such, unrequited type couples often function as comic relief or fanfiction fodder (since many people like to ship non-canon couples).

By definition:

• The love between the girls is unequal or just not the same kind of love
• One girl is more aggressive in her affections than the other

But can allow:

• The object of affection may be aware or unaware of the love from the other girl
• There may be various interactions between the two girls – e.g. kissing, groping, licking necks and nipples even all the way to overt sex, but as long as the feelings remain one-sided and the sexual acts are non-consensual, the couple remains unrequited.

3. Implied

This is the start of the real yuri couples. Implied yuri is one step up from both type (1) and type (2). In this category, two girls are probably having a relationship, but this is not overtly confirmed by their words OR their actions. Since the definition of “in a relationship” is a difficult one to make, the boundaries of this category are a little hazy. Boundaries are confused even more by incest where the words “I love you” could conceivably be uttered without ulterior motive. Damn you Candy Boy.

Examples from recent seasons: Kana/Yukino (Candy Boy), Kagura/Yomi (Ga Rei Zero), Nanoha/Fate (MSLN), Shizuru/Natsuki (Mai Otome)

By definition:

• There is evidence that the two girls are in a relationship, but this is not hard evidence – e.g. they are around each other all the time, they hold hands whenever they are out, they always mention each other or think of each other when talking to other people
• Other characters may state that they think the two girls are in a relationship.

But graduation to “Overt” status includes:

• A kiss on the lips (Generally not a problem, but with all the implication, it is sufficient evidence)
• Getting out of bed naked with the other (Duh)
• Saying “I love you” with a heavy heart, especially if tears are involved.
• Overtly stating that “Nanoha is mai waifu”
• Light embraces with staring deeply into each other’s eyes.
• Any actual sex (Duuh)
• Implying that there will be sex later (controversial)

So we can see that implied couples are just waiting to be tipped over into…

4. Overt

Overt couples are couples that state and act as though they are a couple. This usually involves kissing or doing things that only couples do – stare lovingly into each other’s eyes, nibbling lightly at the nape of the neck and being caught completely naked straddling her on her desk. The only thing barring implied couples from becoming overt couples is often that anime or manga authors shy away from actual lesbianism in their storylines. In manga possibly because it’s considered a vulgar topic – outside of dedicated yuri manga, of course and in both due to the need to target it to the audience age range, which may be “young and impressionable”. But hell, I knew about lesbians when I was 10. Probably. So the conversion from implied to overt happens only rarely, with most animators sticking to the safe side of the fence. Conversions do occur in OVA adaptations, of course, since these will go direct to video/DVD with no TV censorship to worry about.

I can’t think of many overt couples from the recent seasons off the top of my head, but here goes:

Yaya/Hikari (Strawberry Panic! – manga only) Himiko/Kaon (Kyosora), Himeko/Chikane (Kannazuki no Miko)

So there you have it – the Scale of Yuri! (Not to be confused with the Scale of Evil). I think pretty much all yuri couples can be slotted into one of these categories and now you can adequately describe to someone else over the phone the level of yuri in a particular anime with “Oh, I wouldn’t watch that, there’s only Type 1 stuff, you wouldn’t be interested” or “You’ve got to read/watch Strawberry Panic cause it’s full of Type 3s!).

Well, that’s what I envisage people will be doing before long…

Or not…

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| What I’ve always wondered is: “Where do they get those enormous syringes?”

Hi all,

There’s been a lot going on in life at the moment, so I apologise for not having anything more prepared for you this week. Since I don’t have a post topic ready, I thought I’d just do some free philosophising.

It occurred to me the other night as I was checking through the final draft of one of the Gura Nyuuto doujinshi that I have been translating that sex at its basic level is all about things and their going into orifices. And not only that, it’s about the production of fluid of varying types and consistencies. Now this might seem pretty obvious to you, being the avid erotica-samplers that I’m sure people are that read this blog, but please bear me out…

I made a hypothesis a while ago on my post about the quantification of perversity that many people (including myself) like fetishes for the pure reason that their very inclusion makes the piece more perverse. However, I didn’t really elaborate on how fetishes achieve that and I hope to put forward one of my theories today.

If we take normal sex as an example: in normal vanilla sex – which you hope was the only thing your parents got up to – there is only one thing (T) and one orifice (O). Something the Christian inside you will remind you is as far as you need to go. But only one orifice? Surely life’s more exciting than that! Then we can add the dimension of oral sex which as I shall remind you is a good way of recycling nutrients. Then we have one thing and two orifices. Interest level increased! And then we add anal to bring the number of orifices up to the maximum of three. Well, I say maximum, but we’ll discuss that later.

So how would we increase the excitement now? By increasing the number of penetrating things, of course! Remember, there are substitute phallic shaped objects which might be useful in times of need such as fingers, dildos and even fists. We could up the ante even further by introducing more male (or female) partners into a scene therefore increasing both T and O factors together.

But surely you can’t increase this infinitely – there must be a point where you have to add new ideas to increase your audience interest. This is where the fictional world of eromanga comes in handy, since otherwise unusable orifices become viable. Urethras, nipples and even cervices are not safe when an over-imaginative artist with questionable sexual experience is on the loose.

You might then ask: But surely it is not the total number of things or orifices, but the ratio of one to the other that matters. And I would answer – whatever floats your boat. Personally I would say that it works better with a greater T:O ratio, but some would argue the opposite.

But this isn’t the only factor! What about the fluids I hear you ask! Or pretend to!

We all know that sex is about fluids – the giving and receiving thereof. The only fluid that is acceptable in our paradigmal vanilla relationship would be man-sperm into a woman’s love-oyster. But they are ignoring the whole vista of other fluid producing mechanisms that the body has – What about saliva – that liquid that serves both as a digestive enzyme and a convenient lubricant? And if the woman is capable, the gush of the much-vaunted female ejaculation?

And if we go further into the extreme, there is the subject that eromanga and hentai seems to touch on rather too frequently – enemas and watersports. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a special service at one of the soapland cosplay cafes in Ikebukuro.

So what was the point of this philosophising? Well, it was so you guys would have something to read and to exorcise a few thoughts that have been running round my head for the last few hours. I’m not saying that this is the only factor which affects the increase of perversity that you get with the more extreme fetishes, but that Thing and Orifice number and Fluid Volume are probably a few of the most important ones. 

Hopefully more on-topic philosophy about yuri next time…

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I’d just like to say a great big thank you to all the readers who have kept reading this blog even through the hard times and the sparse times – You’ve kept me blogging even when I thought I would give up. Good on you! And thanks for all the comments! And thanks for everyone that didn’t comment as well!

As thanks for reaching 2 million hits, I’ve hodgepodged together another Kiriban in homage to the rather excellent Dinosaur Comics – only using Lucky Star. I call it LUCKY DINOSAUR COMICS! MWAHAHAH!

So anyway – if you read Dinosaur comics, you’ll probably find it vaguely amusing. Well, I had fun anyway.

Click on the images for full size!

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So it’s back to the conclusion of this two parter on “Extremely cliched things you see in adult entertainment”…

Last week I tackled the 5 greatest things that make real-life porn extraordinarily cringeworthy, and this week I hope to name and shame a few of the hentai stereotypes as well.  Since hentai is a very stuck in it’s old stereotyped ways (as evidenced by countless of my observational posts) I don’t think I can really cover all the awful bits. But I’ll try my very best and if there are any truly important ones that I’ve missed out then please be sure to tell me in the shoutbox down below!

So first let’s discuss a few general pointers…

The stereotypes that exist in hentai I think, stem from it’s creators and its roots. Western pornography is made, so to speak, by the winners. The directors are generally men who are pretty successful with women and ones who are able to work with actresses that the more introverted of us would find rather intimidating. The actors themselves tend to be buff, manly varieties of our species generally with the IQ of a small citrus fruit. Therefore, movies tend to be shot from this “winners perspective” – i.e. buff man/men get girl(s). Buff men make girls scream out in pleasure (in an extremely OTT way). Buff men spray their ejaculate somewhere within a metre of girls’ face.

Hentai, on the other hand, as I’ve discussed before, has its roots both in the animation industry and in the burgeoning fan-built doujinshi market that it has spawned. It would probably not be far from the truth to assume that a lot of fans who wrote doujinshi or made H-games then go on to get jobs in the industry and have a hand in making hentai and commercial H-games themselves. Therefore, the main makers of the Japanese hentai industry are the very otaku that consume their own fap-trash.

The result of this? Instead of the buff brainless type of stuff that the West produces, hentai reflects the imaginations of the otaku that make them. Therefore there is a heady mix of unrealistic storylines and interactions between characters, inaccurate depictions of sex and more than a few examples of “Unpopular guy fantasies” made into extremely lame storylines.

All these three points form the basis of the following top 5 of the lamest bits of hentai…

5. Everyone wants to have sex with the nerdy guy…

If there’s anything to evidence the otaku origins of hentai, storylines where nerdy guys get the girls and get to have sex with a wide variety of them (big ones, small ones, some (with breasts) as big as yer head) are probably the most poignant. It’s pretty much obvious that these hentai are direct ports from H-games (some not even bothering to have the in-between storylines).

Is there anyone else that hates these storylines as much as I do? I understand that they are “reaching out” to their target audience with a guy who isn’t particularly special in looks and not really a player (in direct contrast to Western pornography). But do the otaku watching it really believe that they can get the girls like their fictional counterpart? Can anyone really believe that after years being unattractive to women, 5 will come along at once who all secretly like you? And all conveniently have different sized breasts and hair colours for you to choose from? But what if you liked the blonde hair and the small breasts??? DISASTER

And anyway, as a girl I would be really peeved that the boy I fancied was playing around with umpteen other girls before deciding on me…hmpf.

ACTOR 1 is a nerdy looking short guy with those glasses which are so
think that they make his eyes look three times the size of his face.
He’s the sort that joins the library committee so that when the
library’s quiet after school he can go and "enjoy" the library’s only
copy of "Lady Chatterley’s Lover". In the toilets.
ACTRESS 2 is a lithe young thing with impossibly coloured hair which
she’s apprently been growing since the age of 1 since it reaches down
to her feet. Despite her lithe frame she also has disproportionally
large breasts.
ACTRESSES 3, 4 AND 5 are carbon copies of actress 2, but with
different length hair and different sized breasts. They are
conveniently absent while the other two are getting it on and don’t
suspect a thing.

SCENE: It’s Valentine’s Day. ACTOR 1 has bought ACTRESS 2 a set of
lingerie and she is surprised

ACTOR 1: So, do you like them?
ACTRESS 2: Wow, they’re beautiful! But how did you know my size?
A1: (shifts his glasses so they glint in some imaginary sunlight)
Well… do you remember the time during sports day when I looked like
I fell over and crashed into you during the borrowing race?
A2: Err…no.
A1: During that short period of contact I immediately calculated your
three sizes and your bust size to the nearest 1-2mm using the
fanservice law of enhanced sound effect. By this rule, the amplitude
of the "boing" when I crash into your breasts is directly proportional
to your bust size, taking into account the increased moe factor of you
wearing PE kit!
A2: Wow, you’re so sexy when you do mathematics!
A1: And not only that! I’ve specially engineered this bra to
completely eliminate movement during running therefore reducing pain
and long term sag!
A2: Wow, you’re so sexy when you do engineering!
A1: And did you notice the panties? They’re made of a special fabric
that will automatically change colour to match the bra you’re wearing,
so you never need to worry about matching sets!
A2: Wow, you’re so sexy when you do textiles!
A1: So can we finally have sex now?
A2: There’s someone I want you to meet first…Actor 1, meet Extra 1!
(EXTRA 1 is a pretty but taciturn bishonen)
A1: Err, Hi.
A2: Now…you know what would be reaaaalllly sexy? If you let him
stick his thingy up your pooper…
A1: I KNEW there had to be something wrong with you! You’re a closet
yaoi fangirl!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
SCENE END

4. Hypnotism solves everything

Is this THE most cliched storyline in the history of everything? For one thing, it does solve the problem I noted in the previous one – if you could find a way to reliably hypnotise girls into doing your sexual bidding, I think you could probably make more money that Paul McKenna.

Anyway, if I were to hypnotise a bunch of girls, the thing I would get them to do was maybe give me a backrub and possibly clean the bathroom. Or play Rock Band with me. I think you know you’re getting older when you’d rather get your chores done than have lascivious sex with random fictional women.

Shouldn’t anime girls be easier to hypnotise since they have such enormous eyes?

PROTAGONIST 1 is a normal looking guy who just happens to me a master hypnotist. He learned this to make up for his lack of attractiveness to women and managed to snare…
PROTAGONIST 2 who is a pretty young and impressionable girl who met Protagonist 1 on a bus and ended up a long term girlfriend. Thankfully for her, Protagonist 1 has had the scruples to not use his powers to force her to have sex. Well, until today anyway…

SCENE: Bedroom. Protagonist 1 is nude and looks like he’s about to get a slap from Protagonist 2

P2: Ew! I’m not sucking your cock! It’s small and wrinkly and smells like fish!
P1:  Sleep…
P2’s head lolls as she drops into a trance
P1: When you wake up, you will believe that my penis is actually a giant ice lolly which tastes like pina colada.
P2 wakes up
P2: What a giant popsicle! Mmmm, Pina colada flavour!
P1: Ahh shit, here comes the cream!
P2: Eww! This cream tastes like salt fish!
P1: Sleep… When you wake up, the substance you’ve got in your mouth will taste exactly like coconut cream.
P2: Wow, the cream filling inside this popsicle is great!
P1: Sleep… Now next I’m going to have sex with you, but you are going to believe that you are actually riding your favourite horse and are not having sex at all.
P2: Hey look! It’s Tiny, the horse I had when I was ten! Wow, I thought he died and I ate him in a horse stew!
P1 snickers as P2 “mounts” his “horse”
P2: Giddy up Tiny!
P1 looks like he’s having fun
P2: Come on Tiny! Faster!
*Whap!
P1: OW! Hey, where di you get that riding crop from? OWW!
P2: Oh come on, you didn’t think I’d fall for that old “Secret hypnotism device in the glasses” trick did you?
P1: So you were never…You never believed…This confuses my tiny brain!
P2: Oh just shut up and go faster before I call the police
*Whap*
P1 whimpers.

SCENE END

3.  Sex is so good that I’m losing consciousness

The worst offenders for this one are actually the mangaka – and it came up to my attention since I’ve been translating John K. Peta doujinshi lately…

The cliche being that nerdy guy(s) who are gangbanging the poor little girl are so well endowed in the trouser department that without even touching the girl’s erogenous zones he can paralyse the girl with orgasmic bliss such that her eyes roll back into her head and her tongue lolls out of her mouth leaking drool.

Well, I suppose if you had infinite ejaculations like the lucky boys in eromanga seem to have, I guess you could fuck her that hard. Theoretically.

2.  No matter what, everyone comes together

I’m not objecting to this on a “physically impossible” basis, just a “physically unlikely” basis. As a closet perfectionist I know that coming together during sex isn’t impossible, but is instead something to aspire to. However, to imagine that you could pull off such difficult co-ordination without even touching her clitoris…

I think that I object to this on the same basis as I mentioned for the “Nipples” point on the first post. If there’s one thing that’s the worst cliche of all, it’s girls who look like they’re faking it. And my disbelief when the girl comes without any warning just from the power of the sperm jet inside her…well, let’s just say that if she can do it – good luck to her.

Imagine what would happen in yaoi…it would be like a water feature.

1. That squirty sound

And finally, we come to my favourite and at the same time, most annoying hentai cliche – That squirty sound you get when the man ejaculates.

I mean why?

The makers are obviously male, therefore they have experienced their own ejaculations. Do they make a noise like some kind of tennis ball launcher whenever sperm leaves their urethra? No! Does anyone’s? No! The only explanation I can think of is that they suffer from infertility and have some kind of futuristic device fitted into their penis that fires out ejaculate at Mach 0.5.

I can vaguely understand that they a) want to make the ejaculation more exaggerated and b) want to make the man seem like he’s coming really hard. But really, is the cliche that has sprung up around the hentai male protagonist orgasm really that important to the whole thing? Can’t there be a more realistic orgasm minus the sound effects?

Oh well, at least it’s funny.

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Hi all, it’s time for a midweek short post just in case you were missing me…

I don’t usually do hentai reviews, but this one really intrigued me. It wasn’t many posts ago that I tried to re-analyse rape scenes and the rape fetish genre. I came up with a classification of rape which was dependant on the (hidden) willingness of the girl involved. Fake rape (Frape) involved girls who said no, but actually enjoyed the experience or secretly wanted the “rape” to happen, while True rape (Trape) involved the more conventional kind of non-consensual act.

I also posted a while back if anyone remembers, on hentai in general, postulating that most, if not all of hentai can be classified into 3 broad categories – Slut (or harem type), Rape (or violence/extreme type) and Nice (or love type).

Trust a hentai to come out the next week that challenges the very philosophy behind my two theories (though I did say at the time that there were some hentai that existed which were truly original and weren’t classifiable by the main stereotypes).

I’m talking about “Kimi no na wo yobeba”

The literal translation of the title is “If I call your name” – a suitably romantic cliche. It’s a work based on the eromanga by Ryuuta Amazume by the same name, which I happen to have purely because the first mini-story in the book happens to have a futanari theme.

The main story revolves around a boys high school (what manga doesn’t revolve around a high school -_-). The special story about this boys’ high school (from what I understand from my broken Japanese and finding it difficult to read without formally translating it) is that they have a few girls provided to them (four I think) who don’t have names. Their sole use in the school is to live in their dark slaves quarters, naked, and serve the boys’ carnal urges whenever these might arise.

I know what you’re thinking – “Four girls for a whole school? These guys must have a serious libido problem.”. I think I have the solution – the mangaka couldn’t be bothered to draw more than 4.

Anyways, back to the story. There exists in this school a boy who looks suspiciously like Madarame from Genshiken (without the glasses) – suppose he’s supposed to portray the nerdy but generally normal type. He’s different in that he refuses (on moral grounds) to have sex with any of the girls. I guess that would make him a sort of moral vegetarian ^^. On a chance encounter with Girl #3 as she’s satisfying three other boys in the toilets, he falls in love with her (and gets a punch to the noggin for his troubles).

Later he meets her on the roof above the slave quarters where he likes to hang out by himself in a lonery I-don’t-wanna-have-prostitute-sex-like-the-rest-of-you kind of way and confesses his love to her. As a kind of gift, he gives her a school uniform. Though interestingly, no panties. I guess he didn’t have the balls to go into a shop and buy them ^^;. Oh and he names her too. Which is where the title comes from. Rather unimaginatively he names her Mitsuko which is basically “Number 3″.

And so, the newly named Mitsuko seems happy in her new platonic relationship with our erstwhile hero, but in a cruel trick of fate, while waiting on the roof for him, she gets ambushed and TRAPED by lots of guys. This scene is actually Trape, rather than the semi-consensual stuff before, just to note. After this, the guys take great pains in dressing her up in lots of different uniforms – probably just so the mangaka could hit the cosplay fetish market.

Finally, our hero, who can’t take any more breaks into the slave pens to try and free Mitsuko, but she’s already out on the roof again in her uniform. In an extremely touching (even for normal animation) scene, he tells her that they’ll run away anywhere, just together, but she tearfully rejects him, saying that it’ll never work because she’s the property of the school and the state. Then she kisses him tenderly and whispers that it might not be a substitute, but she’ll be his girlfriend, just for one night.

Needless to say hijinks then commence.

Afterwards he wakes up to her gone, only her rusting coffee can as evidence that she was ever there. And I choke back the internal metaphorical tear. Maybe.

| Yeah, I’m drinking coffee with a nekkid laydee! I am the bomb. He heh.

| “Our lack of trousers belies our manliness! Behold! Fear our pixellated manhoods!”

| “Why are you blushing when you’ve got clothes ON???”

| Worst…punch…ever.

| Don’t  have anal sex kids. It makes anime girls cry.

| Number 1: “Hey, why didn’t I have any screentime in this anime?” Number 2: “Cause you were too busy getting fucked up the ass”.

| “What a coincidence you’re here on a conveniently romantic night in such a conveniently romantic location like this?”

| “Sorry I just kicked you in the nuts…but it was for the best.”

| “Stupid students. Must remember to take the payment BEFORE the hawt secks.”

| “NEW! Rust Flavour!”

I was really impressed with this hentai because somehow and in some twisted and convoluted way, they took what was essentially a “Rape” storyline and intertwined a “Nice” one together with it. The mind boggles how Violent Trape and fairly touching Love can coexist in one production, but if anyone was to accomplish it, only the Japanese could really make it look good. I was really touched by the love storyline in this movie, and even though I couldn’t really understand exactly what was going on, it did lay a stark contrast to the Trape and Frape that was going on in the other scenes.

I think it’s really inspiring that the otherwise bogged-down-in-stereotype world of hentai can come up with a jewel like this every once in a while. It might even make a few people watch a hentai without flicking through to the sex scenes all the time.

Maybe.

That reminds me…I must go and see “Watchmen”.

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It’s occurring to me now that this blog is deviating from its original theme of yuri onto hentai and other adult material. This is probably because I have more to say about the latter and I’m not sure that there’s anyone else who takes my random existential approach to the subject of pornographic philosophy.

So what else better to analyse in pornography but the very reasons why pornography can be amazingly boring or cliched. I guess it’s difficult not to repeat things when you’re knocking out as many pornos a month as Delia Smith’s husband has had hot dinners but let’s be honest – I’m sure someone said somewhere “Variety is the spice of life”. Apparently no one thought to tell this to these film directors. And I’m not just talking about the lack of storyline – there are just some things that actresses (and actors) do that are just plain ridiculous.

And don’t think that Western pornography is the only culprit of this heinous crime – hentai has its own set of bollock achingly bad stereotypes that I think the anime gods should strike down in a blaze of holy flame. But they won’t because they’re too busy fapping off to it. Can’t fault the public opinion, I suppose…

Anyway, I digress. The next posts will be comparing the 5 greatest cliches in Western and Eastern 18+ fap-fodder. To music. (That was a lie. But there may be some amusement alongside…^^). I’ll start with the West and move onto the East later on this week. (For time management reasons of course)

The West

5. “I never thought it would feel so good…”

Possibly the most antiquated yet iconic line ever thought up by any porn director anywhere, this phrase graced the scripts of many a movie in the 80s and 90s until it was finally phased out because it was, let’s face it, amazingly cheesy. Mostly used for lesbian scenes (and perhaps gay scenes, who knows). I think I can imagine the dialogue going through the directors head – “I want a line to show that this girl is a sweet innocent virgin lesbian who was just seduced by this older more experienced woman; never mind that she practically eats pussy for a living.”

Here’s a sample:

Actress 1 is a beautiful yet mature pornstar who despite her advancing years pulls off her look with grace, poise, plastic surgery and a tongue like an anaconda. Her special technique is the CAT O NINE TONGUES.
Actress 2 is a naive young waif who looks new to the industry, but who is actually 30 and has been doing lolita flicks ever since she turned 18 (and probably before). Her special technique is the HUNDRED TONGUE TORNADO.

SCENE

Actress 2 is crying. Actress 1 is comforting her. For some reason they are in their underwear.

A2: Wah wah wah! My boyfriend dumped me!
A1: Never mind dearest, just let it all out. Men are all horrible beasts.
A2: Yeah they are! You’re so nice though, picking me up after I was conveniently soaked by that passing car and taking me back to your conveniently near hotel room which you paid for by cash.
A1: Yeah…about that…
A2: I’ll never date a man ever again!
A1: That sounds like a good plan.
A2: But what will I do with my carnal urges? I’ve just turned 18, I need my daily dose of manrod or my vagina will start to decay like Cher under a sunbed!
A1: You don’t need men, sweetie, just let me show you the rampant world of lesbianism
A2: Eh?? But I’m not…

There is glompage. Hijinks result. Invariably, they orgasm together.

A1: How was it for you precious?
A2: I never thought it could feel so good…with a woman!

AUDIENCE: Groan.

SCENE END.

4. Women faking orgasms

This is a pretty contentious issue. There is a reason why genuine female orgasms don’t feature on Western pornography and there is a separate issue with Eastern pornography that I’ll come onto later. First of all, filming a sex scene in front of a camera is a pretty artificial experience and probably takes away some of any genuine arousal in the actress. Secondly, there are lots of gaps (you see the cut tos and froms) which probably cool any remaining feelings still further. And lastly in order to get a good shot of the actual penetration, girls are generally not allowed to flick their little boatman during a scene – something which I’m sure most girls will tell you is pretty essential for the old enjoyment issues.

And so we come to the faking. Having said its pretty understandable why girls DONT have orgasms, why then do some feel it necessary to fake having them? Surely any man who’s been with a woman and given her an orgasm should be able to tell a genuine from a forgery? Ah, perhaps I’ve hit the nail on the head there.

Actress 1 is a nubile young upstart aged just 19. Her hobbies are Needlework, circus gymnastics and picking up black guys in the mall to gangbang her during her lunchbreaks for practice. Her specialty is being penetrated while hanging upside down from a trapeze.
Actor 2 is an average guy with an average sized penis. In fact its a bit weird cause it curves sideways a bit. Despite the above, he thinks he’s God’s gift to pornstars. His specialty is accidentally on purpose sticking it in a girl’s ass when she’s not expecting it.

SCENE

Actress 1 has just been picked up by actor 2 at the mall during her lunchbreak and inexplicably gone off to his house when she should really be asking whether people want fries with that at the local MacFatBurgers.
Actor 2 has just gone out of the room to make some coffee.

A1: You’ve got a really nice flat, actor 2, I like all the…stuff.
A2 (coming back in with coffee): Thanks, I’m glad you like it!
A1: Why are you naked? Oh and you’re already so hard~~ Ahh, just looking at it makes me want to…Ahh…AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Actress 1 falls to the floor and starts convulsing madly

A2: Damn I’m good.
Director: For fuck’s sake help her, she’s having an epileptic seizure!
A2: Damn I’m good.
Assistant: I think she’s OK now!
A2: Can I stick it in her ass now?

SCENE END

3. Virgins who aren’t virgins

Oh I could go on for ages about this one. Where the Japanese niche has been filled by the dubiously borderline lolicon genre, real life has not been so lucky. Mainly because real life little girls aren’t actually sexy. So we’re stuck with the 30 year old pornstars in pigtails and school uniforms being “babysat” by older men who then invariably stick their throbbing vein canes into their supposedly tight virgin whisker biscuits. Seriously guys, the babysitter storyline was old in the Dark ages.

Actress 1 is a 35 year old woman who has the (mis)fortune to be born without much in the way of breasts and therefore defaulted into the line of lolita pornography. In order to research the area she now has three kids by three different fathers, two of which have been taken away by social services. She smokes 40 a day. Her favourite line is “It tastes just like salt taffy”
Actor 2 is a young studly muffin who has spent a long time building up his pecs at the local gym. His penis is pretty small, which is partly why he took up bodybuilding and partly why he likes doing lolita pornography. The thing that makes him come hardest is when he looks at himself in the mirror during sex.

SCENE

Actor 2 is looking after Actress 1 who apparently needs babysitting even though at the very very very lowest estimate she could be 18. If you squint. So hard your eyes are closed. Actress 1’s parents have just left. She is wearing her school uniform. Inexplicably.

Actor 2 pulls his trackie bottoms down. He’s not wearing boxers.

A2: So, skip the pleasantries and just suck my cock already
A1: I’m meant to be 14 and so I have absolutely no idea what you just said, but OK!
A2: Fuck! You’re a natural, Actress 1! Where’d you learn to suck cock so good??
A1: (between slurps) From the 1500 guys I’ve sucked before…
A2: Did you say something?
A1: Nothing!
A2: Right, enough of that, let’s fuck, actress 1!
A1: I still have no idea what that is, but I’m guessing this thing goes in here! Ahh! My virginity! My daddy’s gonna be so mad!
A2: Shit! Should I stop??
A1: (whispers) No, keep going you idiot! Even if I had a hymen, your tiny thing wouldn’t even stretch it.
A2: Crap! I’m coming in your face!
A1: Not the face! Why is it always the…Glub!
A2: Ahhh. You’ve been good. See ya.

SCENE END.

A1 (to director): I know it’s true to life, but next time can we get someone who’s actually a good fuck to take my virginity?

SCENE END END

2. Men walking into intimate scenes…and joining in.

The ultimate man fantasy and also the penultimate cliche. I think men would truly be happy in a world where any intimate situation you walked into could be turned into threesome hijinks rather than “What the hell are you doing? This is a private room!” or “What the fuck? We hate men, that’s why we’re LESBIANS you idiot”. I have to say that hentai is pretty guilty of this one as well, but since its fictional you can almost forgive them…

Actor 1 plays Actress 2’s husband. He is a tall Adonis of a black guy who just happens to have a penis the size of a kielbasa. Despite this, he has premature ejaculation issues which have led to decreasing self esteem and depression. His favourite method of concealing that he’s come early is to quickly stick it up her ass so no one notices. Many actresses now refuse to work with him.
Actress 2 is a tiny blonde woman who does a lot of niche material so doesn’t mind the occasional anal invasion. Her favourite method of preventing premature ejaculation is kicking the guy in the balls.
Actor 3 is a normal white guy with a normal sized penis. He is unremarkable in every way.

SCENE

Actor 1 comes home early to find that Actress 2 is having it off with Actor 3 on the living room sofa. Actress 2 looks up and blushes in a “you caught me” kind of way.

A1: What the hell? I come back early and find you’re having it off with the neighbour?
A2: Well, I was bored waiting for you to come back, so I was having a little warm up…Would you like to join us?
A1: So let me get this straight, I come home to find my neighbour plowing my wife and you expect me just to get naked and join in?
A2: Well…yeah.
A1: Are you mad? I know our sex life’s been waning lately, but I thought that was because of my staying late at work and the stress over your father’s illness…I promised that next month I’d be more free, didn’t I? That I’d had more time for you?
A2: But I can’t help it! We have so little sex these days and its so SHORT I’m just not satisfied! I’ve told you time and again that I needed more, didn’t I?
A1: I told you never to bring that up! You know how I feel about my…problems! And when you said you needed more, I didn’t think it’d end up like this!
A2: Well what did you expect? At least with Actor 3 it doesn’t hurt when we have sex!
A1: You never told me that!
A2: You idiot! You have a dick the size of a baseball bat, how’d you expect it not to??

They continue to squabble. Actor 3 looks a bit sheepish

A3: Err, guys? Aren’t we making a porno here? Shouldn’t we just…
A1: Fine! Expect a call from my lawyer in the morning! (He storms out)
A2: See if I care! And I’m keeping the Jag!

The door slams

A3: So…I should probably go then.
A2: What the hell are you talking about, keep pumping!
A3: Err…OK

SCENE END.

1. Tongues are not for licking yourself.

And lastly, we come to my number 1 all time most annoying cliche ever in the world of Western Adult Fap – Girls who lick their own nipples. And not just nipples, fingers too. And lips. In many cases its not that this wouldn’t happen, but just that they do it in such an over the top pseudo-erotic way that its altogether not erotic at all. And believe me, stretching your own breasts up so you can lick them is not sexy at all. How it feels for the girl, I can’t say though ^^;;

To be honest, though, the nipple and finger licking is just the pinnacle of the iceberg of bad “pleasure acting” that plagues many a production. It’s as if when some girls train to become pornstars, they feel the need to be over the top in showing their arousal at being plowed by today’s stud. And so they do this by neatly forgetting all the things that they do in the privacy of their own relationships where they’re actually having pleasure and fun and instead inexplicably start doing things that they’d never ever do with a real boyfriend. Some girls are just really really bad at acting like they’re enjoying themselves.

I mean, are there any girls out there who can lick their own nipples and would willingly do it in order to look sexy? Probably not, but I apologise to all the well endowed girls out there who do do it for fun and profit.

Actress 1 is a Peruvian girl from the tribes who value long pendulous breasts. Her favourite sexual trick is wrapping her breasts around her legs and licking her nipples.
Actor 2 is out friendly generic white guy who acted as actor 3 in the last flick. He’s been promoted, so he’s really excited. But still completely unremarkable.

SCENE

Actress 1 and Actor 2 are having sex in a missionary sort of way. So just a normal porn film then. Right.

A1: Do me harder, Actor 2!
A2: O..ookay!

Actress 1 wraps her breasts round his back and slobbers mightily over her own nipples

A1: Oh yeah!
A2: Yeah?
A1: Yeah!
A2: Yeah?
A1: Yeah!
A2: Yeah?
A1: Yeah!
A2: Wait a minute…

Actor 2 stops.

A1: Yeah! So good, gonna….Ahhhh!!!!
A2: What the fuck?
A1: Oh, are you still here? I couldn’t feel anything, so I thought you’d gone home.
A2: I quit.

SCENE END.

POST END

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