The Top 5 Adult Entertainment cliches – Part 2!
Posted on | March 12, 2009 | 10 Comments |
So it’s back to the conclusion of this two parter on “Extremely cliched things you see in adult entertainment”…
Last week I tackled the 5 greatest things that make real-life porn extraordinarily cringeworthy, and this week I hope to name and shame a few of the hentai stereotypes as well. Since hentai is a very stuck in it’s old stereotyped ways (as evidenced by countless of my observational posts) I don’t think I can really cover all the awful bits. But I’ll try my very best and if there are any truly important ones that I’ve missed out then please be sure to tell me in the shoutbox down below!
So first let’s discuss a few general pointers…
The stereotypes that exist in hentai I think, stem from it’s creators and its roots. Western pornography is made, so to speak, by the winners. The directors are generally men who are pretty successful with women and ones who are able to work with actresses that the more introverted of us would find rather intimidating. The actors themselves tend to be buff, manly varieties of our species generally with the IQ of a small citrus fruit. Therefore, movies tend to be shot from this “winners perspective” – i.e. buff man/men get girl(s). Buff men make girls scream out in pleasure (in an extremely OTT way). Buff men spray their ejaculate somewhere within a metre of girls’ face.
Hentai, on the other hand, as I’ve discussed before, has its roots both in the animation industry and in the burgeoning fan-built doujinshi market that it has spawned. It would probably not be far from the truth to assume that a lot of fans who wrote doujinshi or made H-games then go on to get jobs in the industry and have a hand in making hentai and commercial H-games themselves. Therefore, the main makers of the Japanese hentai industry are the very otaku that consume their own fap-trash.
The result of this? Instead of the buff brainless type of stuff that the West produces, hentai reflects the imaginations of the otaku that make them. Therefore there is a heady mix of unrealistic storylines and interactions between characters, inaccurate depictions of sex and more than a few examples of “Unpopular guy fantasies” made into extremely lame storylines.
All these three points form the basis of the following top 5 of the lamest bits of hentai…
5. Everyone wants to have sex with the nerdy guy…
If there’s anything to evidence the otaku origins of hentai, storylines where nerdy guys get the girls and get to have sex with a wide variety of them (big ones, small ones, some (with breasts) as big as yer head) are probably the most poignant. It’s pretty much obvious that these hentai are direct ports from H-games (some not even bothering to have the in-between storylines).
Is there anyone else that hates these storylines as much as I do? I understand that they are “reaching out” to their target audience with a guy who isn’t particularly special in looks and not really a player (in direct contrast to Western pornography). But do the otaku watching it really believe that they can get the girls like their fictional counterpart? Can anyone really believe that after years being unattractive to women, 5 will come along at once who all secretly like you? And all conveniently have different sized breasts and hair colours for you to choose from? But what if you liked the blonde hair and the small breasts??? DISASTER
And anyway, as a girl I would be really peeved that the boy I fancied was playing around with umpteen other girls before deciding on me…hmpf.
ACTOR 1 is a nerdy looking short guy with those glasses which are so
think that they make his eyes look three times the size of his face.
He’s the sort that joins the library committee so that when the
library’s quiet after school he can go and "enjoy" the library’s only
copy of "Lady Chatterley’s Lover". In the toilets.
ACTRESS 2 is a lithe young thing with impossibly coloured hair which
she’s apprently been growing since the age of 1 since it reaches down
to her feet. Despite her lithe frame she also has disproportionally
large breasts.
ACTRESSES 3, 4 AND 5 are carbon copies of actress 2, but with
different length hair and different sized breasts. They are
conveniently absent while the other two are getting it on and don’t
suspect a thing.
SCENE: It’s Valentine’s Day. ACTOR 1 has bought ACTRESS 2 a set of
lingerie and she is surprised
ACTOR 1: So, do you like them?
ACTRESS 2: Wow, they’re beautiful! But how did you know my size?
A1: (shifts his glasses so they glint in some imaginary sunlight)
Well… do you remember the time during sports day when I looked like
I fell over and crashed into you during the borrowing race?
A2: Err…no.
A1: During that short period of contact I immediately calculated your
three sizes and your bust size to the nearest 1-2mm using the
fanservice law of enhanced sound effect. By this rule, the amplitude
of the "boing" when I crash into your breasts is directly proportional
to your bust size, taking into account the increased moe factor of you
wearing PE kit!
A2: Wow, you’re so sexy when you do mathematics!
A1: And not only that! I’ve specially engineered this bra to
completely eliminate movement during running therefore reducing pain
and long term sag!
A2: Wow, you’re so sexy when you do engineering!
A1: And did you notice the panties? They’re made of a special fabric
that will automatically change colour to match the bra you’re wearing,
so you never need to worry about matching sets!
A2: Wow, you’re so sexy when you do textiles!
A1: So can we finally have sex now?
A2: There’s someone I want you to meet first…Actor 1, meet Extra 1!
(EXTRA 1 is a pretty but taciturn bishonen)
A1: Err, Hi.
A2: Now…you know what would be reaaaalllly sexy? If you let him
stick his thingy up your pooper…
A1: I KNEW there had to be something wrong with you! You’re a closet
yaoi fangirl!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
SCENE END
4. Hypnotism solves everything
Is this THE most cliched storyline in the history of everything? For one thing, it does solve the problem I noted in the previous one – if you could find a way to reliably hypnotise girls into doing your sexual bidding, I think you could probably make more money that Paul McKenna.
Anyway, if I were to hypnotise a bunch of girls, the thing I would get them to do was maybe give me a backrub and possibly clean the bathroom. Or play Rock Band with me. I think you know you’re getting older when you’d rather get your chores done than have lascivious sex with random fictional women.
Shouldn’t anime girls be easier to hypnotise since they have such enormous eyes?
PROTAGONIST 1 is a normal looking guy who just happens to me a master hypnotist. He learned this to make up for his lack of attractiveness to women and managed to snare…
PROTAGONIST 2 who is a pretty young and impressionable girl who met Protagonist 1 on a bus and ended up a long term girlfriend. Thankfully for her, Protagonist 1 has had the scruples to not use his powers to force her to have sex. Well, until today anyway…
SCENE: Bedroom. Protagonist 1 is nude and looks like he’s about to get a slap from Protagonist 2
P2: Ew! I’m not sucking your cock! It’s small and wrinkly and smells like fish!
P1: Sleep…
P2’s head lolls as she drops into a trance
P1: When you wake up, you will believe that my penis is actually a giant ice lolly which tastes like pina colada.
P2 wakes up
P2: What a giant popsicle! Mmmm, Pina colada flavour!
P1: Ahh shit, here comes the cream!
P2: Eww! This cream tastes like salt fish!
P1: Sleep… When you wake up, the substance you’ve got in your mouth will taste exactly like coconut cream.
P2: Wow, the cream filling inside this popsicle is great!
P1: Sleep… Now next I’m going to have sex with you, but you are going to believe that you are actually riding your favourite horse and are not having sex at all.
P2: Hey look! It’s Tiny, the horse I had when I was ten! Wow, I thought he died and I ate him in a horse stew!
P1 snickers as P2 “mounts” his “horse”
P2: Giddy up Tiny!
P1 looks like he’s having fun
P2: Come on Tiny! Faster!
*Whap!
P1: OW! Hey, where di you get that riding crop from? OWW!
P2: Oh come on, you didn’t think I’d fall for that old “Secret hypnotism device in the glasses” trick did you?
P1: So you were never…You never believed…This confuses my tiny brain!
P2: Oh just shut up and go faster before I call the police
*Whap*
P1 whimpers.
SCENE END
3. Sex is so good that I’m losing consciousness
The worst offenders for this one are actually the mangaka – and it came up to my attention since I’ve been translating John K. Peta doujinshi lately…
The cliche being that nerdy guy(s) who are gangbanging the poor little girl are so well endowed in the trouser department that without even touching the girl’s erogenous zones he can paralyse the girl with orgasmic bliss such that her eyes roll back into her head and her tongue lolls out of her mouth leaking drool.
Well, I suppose if you had infinite ejaculations like the lucky boys in eromanga seem to have, I guess you could fuck her that hard. Theoretically.
2. No matter what, everyone comes together
I’m not objecting to this on a “physically impossible” basis, just a “physically unlikely” basis. As a closet perfectionist I know that coming together during sex isn’t impossible, but is instead something to aspire to. However, to imagine that you could pull off such difficult co-ordination without even touching her clitoris…
I think that I object to this on the same basis as I mentioned for the “Nipples” point on the first post. If there’s one thing that’s the worst cliche of all, it’s girls who look like they’re faking it. And my disbelief when the girl comes without any warning just from the power of the sperm jet inside her…well, let’s just say that if she can do it – good luck to her.
Imagine what would happen in yaoi…it would be like a water feature.
1. That squirty sound
And finally, we come to my favourite and at the same time, most annoying hentai cliche – That squirty sound you get when the man ejaculates.
I mean why?
The makers are obviously male, therefore they have experienced their own ejaculations. Do they make a noise like some kind of tennis ball launcher whenever sperm leaves their urethra? No! Does anyone’s? No! The only explanation I can think of is that they suffer from infertility and have some kind of futuristic device fitted into their penis that fires out ejaculate at Mach 0.5.
I can vaguely understand that they a) want to make the ejaculation more exaggerated and b) want to make the man seem like he’s coming really hard. But really, is the cliche that has sprung up around the hentai male protagonist orgasm really that important to the whole thing? Can’t there be a more realistic orgasm minus the sound effects?
Oh well, at least it’s funny.
Comments
10 Responses to “The Top 5 Adult Entertainment cliches – Part 2!”
Leave a Reply
Other sites and Projects
- Yuribou scans - Scanlations of dubious virtue
- Yuribou's List of Japanese Adverbs and Onomatopoeia
- Yuribou hentai dictionary
Subscribe to our feed
Search
Blogroll
Aggregators
Blogroll
Fanfiction
Friends
Manga
Other
Yuribou is brought to you today by the number
March 12th, 2009 @ 10:40 am
Great post, as always.
The ejaculation sound is pretty funny. I had forgotten about it since I usually read doujins rather than watch hentai, but now that I think about it, its present in most hentai Ive seen.
The hypnotism one had the best script. Sooo funny!
I actually like the nerdy guy fantasy a bit. Its completely over done and everything but its more amusing than the popular guy fantasy one. Plus, I like it when the doujin has references to anime or games from real life (which is doable if the main character is a nerdy guy.)
Just some thoughts. Keep up the great posts! :D
March 12th, 2009 @ 8:39 pm
Hey maybe all the girls in number 3 have some type of neurological problem that causes that happen, and it all just happens to be some really weird type of fetish that hasn’t been named yet.
And I must say that Actor 1 in cliche 5 is a really bad sport. I mean aren’t relationships about compromise? Also he no doubt watched Genshiken, and knows that yaoi sex is the true path to a girl’s heart.
Also I am surprised that infinite ejaculations didn’t make the list. I mean I can give it up 3 and maybe 4, but anything past that is really pushing it. I know it isn’t impossible but like simultaneous orgasms it isn’t a common occurrence.
March 12th, 2009 @ 9:06 pm
@Jaden: I did think about the infinite ejaculations, but I’ve always been more amused by the girl “suddenly coming” even when she hasn’t even really warmed up
Thanks Alexeon!
March 13th, 2009 @ 3:43 am
@Yuribou: Actually I have a theory about that. We already the anatomy of the standard Hentai female is different, the heart having moved up several inches to prevent it from seizing due the excess of the enlarge mammary glands. This also leads to the pooling of blood in around the head which causes the highly luminous blushing as well as the arousal nosebleeds. It is also my theory that eyes have become so enlarged to deal with the excess pressure the blood puts on the head, which has caused the sinuses to shrink thus explaining the size of the average nose.
Anyway my theory is due the fact the average male Hentai subject could never locate the clitoris during normal intercourse let alone the furious ramming that usually takes place, the clitoris, while keeping the familiar outward appearance, has expanded to encircle and merge the vaginal canal. Due the increased demand on the blood supply due to the greater mass of the erectile tissue, the shift would explain why many subjects experience fainting spells. Just my thoughts anyway.
March 13th, 2009 @ 4:22 pm
I don’t really get what Jaden was trying to say but I think hes right because he used a lot of words to discripe it.
So uhm I actually don’t really have problems with the most cliches. Because theres usually no nerdy guy, no male ejaculation and no male that hypnotizes women in the yuri porn. Anyway I have to agree, the few hentais I’ve seen had most of the cliches you mentioned.
By the way, I would like to play rockband with you. But cleaning the bathroom – this should become a new fetish.
March 14th, 2009 @ 1:08 pm
I’ve got to say, I agree with every item on this list! But still, there are a couple more you could have mentioned, like the eternally present “Don’t come inside!” and “It’s too big!”
Something else along the lines of the simultaneous ejaculation thing is the complete lack of any meaningful refractory period in most hentai. Even some of the most realistic ones have the guy climaxing 3 times in a row before appearing tired. I understand that it helps maintain flow, but sometimes it’s just ridiculous.
March 16th, 2009 @ 12:18 am
I believe your thoughts about the “sound” of ejaculation are rooted in a misconception. Not all of the “sound effects” are actually audible sounds; examples of the opposite include “jii~” for staring intently, “do~n” for disappointment and “biku” for twitching etc. In those cases, they confer more a sense of what something feels like, not what it sounds like. I don’t think text is used to convey that sort of meaning in western comics, and the line between sound- and other effects is hard to draw, and this is just my personal opinion, but I find a lot of things make sense when you think of it this way.
March 16th, 2009 @ 12:54 am
@Toiski: I was talking about the ejaculation sound in animated hentai specifically, rather than the eromanga variety …
March 18th, 2009 @ 7:25 am
@SK: Actually three orgasms in a row is rather realistic for a male with a low refractory period. I will admit a multi-orgasmic male is odd, but they are real. The issue that causes it is a lack of prolactin in the blood stream, according to the current theory. Actually it is funny that usually the male subject is multi-orgasmic while the female subject faints after one orgasm.
March 28th, 2009 @ 11:05 pm
LMAO. I love how you make the scenes so fucking funny. Ur hilarious! (: AHaha