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Yuribou presents – the Top 5 Adult Entertainment cliches!

Posted on | March 1, 2009 | 6 Comments |

It’s occurring to me now that this blog is deviating from its original theme of yuri onto hentai and other adult material. This is probably because I have more to say about the latter and I’m not sure that there’s anyone else who takes my random existential approach to the subject of pornographic philosophy.

So what else better to analyse in pornography but the very reasons why pornography can be amazingly boring or cliched. I guess it’s difficult not to repeat things when you’re knocking out as many pornos a month as Delia Smith’s husband has had hot dinners but let’s be honest – I’m sure someone said somewhere “Variety is the spice of life”. Apparently no one thought to tell this to these film directors. And I’m not just talking about the lack of storyline – there are just some things that actresses (and actors) do that are just plain ridiculous.

And don’t think that Western pornography is the only culprit of this heinous crime – hentai has its own set of bollock achingly bad stereotypes that I think the anime gods should strike down in a blaze of holy flame. But they won’t because they’re too busy fapping off to it. Can’t fault the public opinion, I suppose…

Anyway, I digress. The next posts will be comparing the 5 greatest cliches in Western and Eastern 18+ fap-fodder. To music. (That was a lie. But there may be some amusement alongside…^^). I’ll start with the West and move onto the East later on this week. (For time management reasons of course)

The West

5. “I never thought it would feel so good…”

Possibly the most antiquated yet iconic line ever thought up by any porn director anywhere, this phrase graced the scripts of many a movie in the 80s and 90s until it was finally phased out because it was, let’s face it, amazingly cheesy. Mostly used for lesbian scenes (and perhaps gay scenes, who knows). I think I can imagine the dialogue going through the directors head – “I want a line to show that this girl is a sweet innocent virgin lesbian who was just seduced by this older more experienced woman; never mind that she practically eats pussy for a living.”

Here’s a sample:

Actress 1 is a beautiful yet mature pornstar who despite her advancing years pulls off her look with grace, poise, plastic surgery and a tongue like an anaconda. Her special technique is the CAT O NINE TONGUES.
Actress 2 is a naive young waif who looks new to the industry, but who is actually 30 and has been doing lolita flicks ever since she turned 18 (and probably before). Her special technique is the HUNDRED TONGUE TORNADO.

SCENE

Actress 2 is crying. Actress 1 is comforting her. For some reason they are in their underwear.

A2: Wah wah wah! My boyfriend dumped me!
A1: Never mind dearest, just let it all out. Men are all horrible beasts.
A2: Yeah they are! You’re so nice though, picking me up after I was conveniently soaked by that passing car and taking me back to your conveniently near hotel room which you paid for by cash.
A1: Yeah…about that…
A2: I’ll never date a man ever again!
A1: That sounds like a good plan.
A2: But what will I do with my carnal urges? I’ve just turned 18, I need my daily dose of manrod or my vagina will start to decay like Cher under a sunbed!
A1: You don’t need men, sweetie, just let me show you the rampant world of lesbianism
A2: Eh?? But I’m not…

There is glompage. Hijinks result. Invariably, they orgasm together.

A1: How was it for you precious?
A2: I never thought it could feel so good…with a woman!

AUDIENCE: Groan.

SCENE END.

4. Women faking orgasms

This is a pretty contentious issue. There is a reason why genuine female orgasms don’t feature on Western pornography and there is a separate issue with Eastern pornography that I’ll come onto later. First of all, filming a sex scene in front of a camera is a pretty artificial experience and probably takes away some of any genuine arousal in the actress. Secondly, there are lots of gaps (you see the cut tos and froms) which probably cool any remaining feelings still further. And lastly in order to get a good shot of the actual penetration, girls are generally not allowed to flick their little boatman during a scene – something which I’m sure most girls will tell you is pretty essential for the old enjoyment issues.

And so we come to the faking. Having said its pretty understandable why girls DONT have orgasms, why then do some feel it necessary to fake having them? Surely any man who’s been with a woman and given her an orgasm should be able to tell a genuine from a forgery? Ah, perhaps I’ve hit the nail on the head there.

Actress 1 is a nubile young upstart aged just 19. Her hobbies are Needlework, circus gymnastics and picking up black guys in the mall to gangbang her during her lunchbreaks for practice. Her specialty is being penetrated while hanging upside down from a trapeze.
Actor 2 is an average guy with an average sized penis. In fact its a bit weird cause it curves sideways a bit. Despite the above, he thinks he’s God’s gift to pornstars. His specialty is accidentally on purpose sticking it in a girl’s ass when she’s not expecting it.

SCENE

Actress 1 has just been picked up by actor 2 at the mall during her lunchbreak and inexplicably gone off to his house when she should really be asking whether people want fries with that at the local MacFatBurgers.
Actor 2 has just gone out of the room to make some coffee.

A1: You’ve got a really nice flat, actor 2, I like all the…stuff.
A2 (coming back in with coffee): Thanks, I’m glad you like it!
A1: Why are you naked? Oh and you’re already so hard~~ Ahh, just looking at it makes me want to…Ahh…AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Actress 1 falls to the floor and starts convulsing madly

A2: Damn I’m good.
Director: For fuck’s sake help her, she’s having an epileptic seizure!
A2: Damn I’m good.
Assistant: I think she’s OK now!
A2: Can I stick it in her ass now?

SCENE END

3. Virgins who aren’t virgins

Oh I could go on for ages about this one. Where the Japanese niche has been filled by the dubiously borderline lolicon genre, real life has not been so lucky. Mainly because real life little girls aren’t actually sexy. So we’re stuck with the 30 year old pornstars in pigtails and school uniforms being “babysat” by older men who then invariably stick their throbbing vein canes into their supposedly tight virgin whisker biscuits. Seriously guys, the babysitter storyline was old in the Dark ages.

Actress 1 is a 35 year old woman who has the (mis)fortune to be born without much in the way of breasts and therefore defaulted into the line of lolita pornography. In order to research the area she now has three kids by three different fathers, two of which have been taken away by social services. She smokes 40 a day. Her favourite line is “It tastes just like salt taffy”
Actor 2 is a young studly muffin who has spent a long time building up his pecs at the local gym. His penis is pretty small, which is partly why he took up bodybuilding and partly why he likes doing lolita pornography. The thing that makes him come hardest is when he looks at himself in the mirror during sex.

SCENE

Actor 2 is looking after Actress 1 who apparently needs babysitting even though at the very very very lowest estimate she could be 18. If you squint. So hard your eyes are closed. Actress 1’s parents have just left. She is wearing her school uniform. Inexplicably.

Actor 2 pulls his trackie bottoms down. He’s not wearing boxers.

A2: So, skip the pleasantries and just suck my cock already
A1: I’m meant to be 14 and so I have absolutely no idea what you just said, but OK!
A2: Fuck! You’re a natural, Actress 1! Where’d you learn to suck cock so good??
A1: (between slurps) From the 1500 guys I’ve sucked before…
A2: Did you say something?
A1: Nothing!
A2: Right, enough of that, let’s fuck, actress 1!
A1: I still have no idea what that is, but I’m guessing this thing goes in here! Ahh! My virginity! My daddy’s gonna be so mad!
A2: Shit! Should I stop??
A1: (whispers) No, keep going you idiot! Even if I had a hymen, your tiny thing wouldn’t even stretch it.
A2: Crap! I’m coming in your face!
A1: Not the face! Why is it always the…Glub!
A2: Ahhh. You’ve been good. See ya.

SCENE END.

A1 (to director): I know it’s true to life, but next time can we get someone who’s actually a good fuck to take my virginity?

SCENE END END

2. Men walking into intimate scenes…and joining in.

The ultimate man fantasy and also the penultimate cliche. I think men would truly be happy in a world where any intimate situation you walked into could be turned into threesome hijinks rather than “What the hell are you doing? This is a private room!” or “What the fuck? We hate men, that’s why we’re LESBIANS you idiot”. I have to say that hentai is pretty guilty of this one as well, but since its fictional you can almost forgive them…

Actor 1 plays Actress 2’s husband. He is a tall Adonis of a black guy who just happens to have a penis the size of a kielbasa. Despite this, he has premature ejaculation issues which have led to decreasing self esteem and depression. His favourite method of concealing that he’s come early is to quickly stick it up her ass so no one notices. Many actresses now refuse to work with him.
Actress 2 is a tiny blonde woman who does a lot of niche material so doesn’t mind the occasional anal invasion. Her favourite method of preventing premature ejaculation is kicking the guy in the balls.
Actor 3 is a normal white guy with a normal sized penis. He is unremarkable in every way.

SCENE

Actor 1 comes home early to find that Actress 2 is having it off with Actor 3 on the living room sofa. Actress 2 looks up and blushes in a “you caught me” kind of way.

A1: What the hell? I come back early and find you’re having it off with the neighbour?
A2: Well, I was bored waiting for you to come back, so I was having a little warm up…Would you like to join us?
A1: So let me get this straight, I come home to find my neighbour plowing my wife and you expect me just to get naked and join in?
A2: Well…yeah.
A1: Are you mad? I know our sex life’s been waning lately, but I thought that was because of my staying late at work and the stress over your father’s illness…I promised that next month I’d be more free, didn’t I? That I’d had more time for you?
A2: But I can’t help it! We have so little sex these days and its so SHORT I’m just not satisfied! I’ve told you time and again that I needed more, didn’t I?
A1: I told you never to bring that up! You know how I feel about my…problems! And when you said you needed more, I didn’t think it’d end up like this!
A2: Well what did you expect? At least with Actor 3 it doesn’t hurt when we have sex!
A1: You never told me that!
A2: You idiot! You have a dick the size of a baseball bat, how’d you expect it not to??

They continue to squabble. Actor 3 looks a bit sheepish

A3: Err, guys? Aren’t we making a porno here? Shouldn’t we just…
A1: Fine! Expect a call from my lawyer in the morning! (He storms out)
A2: See if I care! And I’m keeping the Jag!

The door slams

A3: So…I should probably go then.
A2: What the hell are you talking about, keep pumping!
A3: Err…OK

SCENE END.

1. Tongues are not for licking yourself.

And lastly, we come to my number 1 all time most annoying cliche ever in the world of Western Adult Fap – Girls who lick their own nipples. And not just nipples, fingers too. And lips. In many cases its not that this wouldn’t happen, but just that they do it in such an over the top pseudo-erotic way that its altogether not erotic at all. And believe me, stretching your own breasts up so you can lick them is not sexy at all. How it feels for the girl, I can’t say though ^^;;

To be honest, though, the nipple and finger licking is just the pinnacle of the iceberg of bad “pleasure acting” that plagues many a production. It’s as if when some girls train to become pornstars, they feel the need to be over the top in showing their arousal at being plowed by today’s stud. And so they do this by neatly forgetting all the things that they do in the privacy of their own relationships where they’re actually having pleasure and fun and instead inexplicably start doing things that they’d never ever do with a real boyfriend. Some girls are just really really bad at acting like they’re enjoying themselves.

I mean, are there any girls out there who can lick their own nipples and would willingly do it in order to look sexy? Probably not, but I apologise to all the well endowed girls out there who do do it for fun and profit.

Actress 1 is a Peruvian girl from the tribes who value long pendulous breasts. Her favourite sexual trick is wrapping her breasts around her legs and licking her nipples.
Actor 2 is out friendly generic white guy who acted as actor 3 in the last flick. He’s been promoted, so he’s really excited. But still completely unremarkable.

SCENE

Actress 1 and Actor 2 are having sex in a missionary sort of way. So just a normal porn film then. Right.

A1: Do me harder, Actor 2!
A2: O..ookay!

Actress 1 wraps her breasts round his back and slobbers mightily over her own nipples

A1: Oh yeah!
A2: Yeah?
A1: Yeah!
A2: Yeah?
A1: Yeah!
A2: Yeah?
A1: Yeah!
A2: Wait a minute…

Actor 2 stops.

A1: Yeah! So good, gonna….Ahhhh!!!!
A2: What the fuck?
A1: Oh, are you still here? I couldn’t feel anything, so I thought you’d gone home.
A2: I quit.

SCENE END.

POST END

Category: Editorials, Hentai/Ero-games, Humour?, Philosophy/Thoughts

Comments

6 Responses to “Yuribou presents – the Top 5 Adult Entertainment cliches!”

  1. Asuka
    March 2nd, 2009 @ 6:46 am

    I totally enjoyed the in-deep analysis of fetishes and stuff, but this tops everything.
    I didn’t enjoy a post so much ever since… umm the Strawberry chronicles. XD
    Your way of describing scenes is just too entertaining. Oh, and I TOTALLY agree with the top5. Couldn’t have described it better.
    However you didn’t mention the usual routine that is mostly employed: trumpeting, missionary, back, up, anal, facial. I think these are checkpoints for every western porn movie, and most of the time the order is preserved too. Maybe this part would be #6. :)

    Another point that would be cliche for me at least, is when you look at the actresses their ‘apparatus’ is so overused that it looks like a rug, and can’t imagine what the male actor would be feeling except perhaps the same thing that a hot-dog feels when it’s thrown down the hallway.

    The post was epic. Very looking forward to the asian part.

  2. HappyHappyJoyJoy
    March 2nd, 2009 @ 4:48 pm

    I like the intellectual dissection of pornography.

  3. Akakori
    March 3rd, 2009 @ 3:45 pm

    Oh gosh, it’s a list of all the reasons why porn is so difficult to get aroused by. I just have to switch them off ‘cos all these cliches and overacting irritate me so much. That or I start laughing too much >.<

    My favourite for comedy value is when an extra character walks in and tries to act briefly before joining the fray.

  4. chris
    March 4th, 2009 @ 12:51 am

    Very nice review of western porn, I feel the same way that Akakori does about western porn, it does nothing for me.

    I also thought your comment about the 30 year old actresses playing schoolgirls was spot on, when ever I see a aging porn actress wearing a schoolgirl outfit I want to vomit. Can’t they at least find a 18 year old who looks younger to play the part.

    But, to me, the worst thing about western porn is the tropes that go alone with it, like every woman has to keep wearing those 8″ hooker heels while having sex, give me a break, like anyone strips their girl naked but has her keep wearing her hooker heels.

    I also despise the “money shot”, it’s like they are telling us that it’s better to finish off sex by shooting off on the girls’ body than enjoying the love canal to the very end. What’s also very funny is when the male actor is so disinterested in the girl that even a blowjob can’t keep his member erect.

  5. Joku
    March 4th, 2009 @ 10:56 pm

    By not completely agreeing with cliche 1 (Licking your finger and then rubbing your nipples with it feels almost the same and is… I somehow feel like the apologise is meant to be for beings like me…) I need to agree to everything else.

    By the way I don’t completely agree to chris’ hooker theory. I mean some knee socks and hooker heels as for some other sorts of shoes (with heels) make the girl quite sexier/more appealing in my opinion. And I think if its not like a “having sex with a stranger one” scene its not that irreal to wear something like that. I mean if you know the sexual likings of your partner (be it a man or a woman) you would wear (roleplaying or not) something that he thinks its attracting to him, what has to result in better sex.

    The money shot thing- agreed.

    And I need to agree with Asuka, that was epic and your way of describing is hilarious.

    Akakori is right too, these are reasons which really make the porn bad and makes them a comedy more than porn.

    I’m really looking forward to the asian counterpart now.

  6. SK
    March 5th, 2009 @ 2:17 pm

    Yep, agreed on pretty much every single one! Although I’d say that number 1 isn’t so bad as some of the others, the kind of thing it comes from (girl feeling self up in fake and unrealistic way) is definitely a pain! Like Akakori, I just can’t get off to western porn for a lot of these reasons. The plot in most eastern porns (at least in hentai) counteract the same problems to at least some degree.

    By the way, Yuribou, I’m getting Avast virus warnings whenever I look at this page. It’s probably nothing, Avast is usually over sensitive to anything hentai, but just thought I’d warn you in case something infected your site.
    It gives the file name as:
    http://www.yuribou.net/blog/yuribou-presents-the-top-5-adult-entertainment-cliches/\{gzip}

    and the name of the malware as:
    HTML:l frame-inf

    If you want any more info, I can email you a screenie of the alert screen.

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